You know, a relationship crisis is an incredibly painful and emotional experience, and it is no surprise that most women who are caught in this emotional upheaval do more to harm their relationship than help it! When a person is faced with this unfortuitous turn of events, heartbreak, frustration, and fear drive their actions, and they inadvertently destroy their relationship. The best thing you can do in a situation like this is take a step back, take a deep breath, and clear your mind! This will prevent you from harming the chance of saving your relationship!
Let' examine the four things you shouldn't do, then I'll tell exactly what you should do!
1. Telling him that you'll change to save your relationship
Reassuring him that you won't; complain anymore, be controlling, won't lie, be jealous, or have another affair never works. You see, all of the talking is over at this point in the crisis, and actions will have to speak louder than words. What you're really saying when you tell him you've changed is; give me my way because I don't really care what you want. This will only cause him to pull away from you and will hurt your chances of saving the relationship. You see when it comes to saving a relationship actions really do speak louder than words! If your relationship has reached a point of crisis, there isn't anything that you can say that will turn it around. So, you may as well save your breath!
You see, your partner has been asking you for a change and you haven't given him one! The only way to turn your relationship around is by proving that you changed, and not by saying you have. Forget about who's right or wrong. I'm sure your partner did several things to harm the relationship, but if you want to focus on blaming him, you will destroy your relationship. There's an old saying; "Being happy doesn't always go along with being right!" So, do you want to be happy, or do you want to be right? If you want to be happy focus on proving that you have changed and watch your partner change him self!
2. Saying that you love him to save your relationship
Telling your partner over and over again that you love him is like saying that you want something different than what he wants. He wants to pull away and you want him to come closer. There's a reason that he is pulling away, and what you're doing in essence is ignoring his needs. Saving a relationship is not about forcing the issue, it's about attraction! Love is really a matter of attraction since you can't force someone to love you, can you! You partner pulled away from you because you haven't been fulfilling his emotional needs, and your fears and insecurities have been causing you to damage the relationship. So, telling him that you love him will only push him further away. If you want to save your relationship refrain from saying I love you at this point. Instead tell him that you agree and understand why the relationship isn't working! That's right, agree! I'll show you exactly how to do this towards the bottom of this article!
3. Trying to change him to save a relationship
Plodding, pleading, and arguing with him in an attempt to get him to change never works. In fact, it is actually counterproductive to saving a relationship and is the quickest way to destroy it. Let's get one thing perfectly straight; YOU CAN"T CHANGE HIM!! No matter how hard you try, you can't change him, and attempting to do so will destroy your relationship. Only he can change himself! Now that you realize this critical case in point, your chances of saving your relationship just went from slim to probable!
4. Acting out of desperation to save a relationship
Desperation is not attractive to anyone, and when you say I love you please don't leave me, what your really saying is that I have very little self-confidence. Your sending a message that you know the world is full of good looking men, but you can't see that and you have very low self-esteem. Saving a relationship is all about showing your partner the confident woman he's always wanted. Your partner wants a woman that makes him feel like a man. He wants a woman that displays confidence or feminine grace. When faced with infidelity in a relationship most women think their man just gave in to a moment of sexual desire, or that it's just the way some men are. However that's not it at all! Other than sexual addiction being involved, 99% of the time it is because his emotional needs have gone unmet. Is committing infidelity wrong? Of course it is. By David Roppo
Monday, July 20, 2009
How to End a Relationship With Style
At some point in your relationship you will arrive at the proverbial fork in the road where you will have to decide whether you want to continue to travel down the same path as your partner, or is it better if you begin to travel your own separate ways. If after thinking and pondering your future you come to option number two, then you will come to find out the most difficult aspects of dating and being in a relationship. Knowing when the relationship is over.
There are many ways in which you can break up with someone. Obviously, some are better than others. However you should want to preserve the dignity of the party whom you once cared for, as well as the memories of your time together. You should always want to end the relationship with class and style.
Be direct and be honest
When it comes to the point that the relationship is over, the worst thing to do is to try to work through something that neither or one party wants to work through any longer. It's best to be direct and honest in both your feelings and desire, and letting your partner know that the relationship has run its course and it's over. By being direct, and being honest, you alleviate any hard feelings over any innuendos that might be inferred, if someone thinks that the door is still open and there's a chance that the relationship can be repaired. If your relationship is over, the gamesman(woman)ship should be over to.
End the Relationship in a Public Place
When the intimacy has gone in the relationship, it makes no sense to end it in an intimate environment. Inviting your partner to dinner in your home or theirs, can only confuse the intention of the meeting. When the relationship is over, there’s no need for deception on any part. Attempting to end a relationship in an intimate setting like either partners home, or the home you share, can have disastrous side effects. When it's time to have that relationship ending conversation, it’s best to do it in a public setting; preferably in a park or not so intimate restaurant during the day.
Remember what you used to have with the person
Breaking up is difficult enough without resorting to name calling, making innuendos’, and/or physical confrontations. When it's over, it’s better to reflect and remember the things that brought you together, and not to dwell on the things that drove you apart. Keep an open and understanding mind and a positive outlook, especially if you are the person that wants the relationship to end and your partner wants the relationship to continue.
Leave the details out
It’s easy and common to get sucked into the ‘why are you breaking up with me?’ conversation. However, when the relationship is over, you are not obligated to provide one or a scroll of reasons why you’re breaking up with the person, nor to list all the bad qualities the person you’re breaking up with possesses. What you may find annoying, someone else may find insightful. Keep the conversation short and don’t lose sight of the fact that you’ve made a decision to end the relationship, and the other party has to learn to accept it.
Make a clean break
One of the most difficult aspects of ending a relationship is remembering that the relationship is over. Most people when ending a relationship like to use the old familiar cliché: ‘We can still be friends.’ It's difficult to still be friends, when one person does not want the relationship to end and the other one wants it to continue. If the relationship has truly come to the end, so should the friendship, communication, and support, at least for the immediate future.
When the relationship ends, both people need time for their mind, body, heart, and soul to heal. Breaking up can take its physical and emotional toll on anyone. The healing will be better when both parties put time, space, and distance between them. Be considerate of your former partners wish(es) if they have a desire for a clean break, and don’t want you communicating with them anymore. If by some chance or happenstance, you meet again on the road of life, you will both be in a better position to be more mature and reflect on your relationship in a positive way, than by one or both parties’ harboring animosity. If you try to remain friends and hold onto something that's no longer there, one person may spend their time clinging on to the false hope of something happening, when there's nothing left to cling to. When it’s over, it’s over. Put a period on it and move on. By Obi Williams
There are many ways in which you can break up with someone. Obviously, some are better than others. However you should want to preserve the dignity of the party whom you once cared for, as well as the memories of your time together. You should always want to end the relationship with class and style.
Be direct and be honest
When it comes to the point that the relationship is over, the worst thing to do is to try to work through something that neither or one party wants to work through any longer. It's best to be direct and honest in both your feelings and desire, and letting your partner know that the relationship has run its course and it's over. By being direct, and being honest, you alleviate any hard feelings over any innuendos that might be inferred, if someone thinks that the door is still open and there's a chance that the relationship can be repaired. If your relationship is over, the gamesman(woman)ship should be over to.
End the Relationship in a Public Place
When the intimacy has gone in the relationship, it makes no sense to end it in an intimate environment. Inviting your partner to dinner in your home or theirs, can only confuse the intention of the meeting. When the relationship is over, there’s no need for deception on any part. Attempting to end a relationship in an intimate setting like either partners home, or the home you share, can have disastrous side effects. When it's time to have that relationship ending conversation, it’s best to do it in a public setting; preferably in a park or not so intimate restaurant during the day.
Remember what you used to have with the person
Breaking up is difficult enough without resorting to name calling, making innuendos’, and/or physical confrontations. When it's over, it’s better to reflect and remember the things that brought you together, and not to dwell on the things that drove you apart. Keep an open and understanding mind and a positive outlook, especially if you are the person that wants the relationship to end and your partner wants the relationship to continue.
Leave the details out
It’s easy and common to get sucked into the ‘why are you breaking up with me?’ conversation. However, when the relationship is over, you are not obligated to provide one or a scroll of reasons why you’re breaking up with the person, nor to list all the bad qualities the person you’re breaking up with possesses. What you may find annoying, someone else may find insightful. Keep the conversation short and don’t lose sight of the fact that you’ve made a decision to end the relationship, and the other party has to learn to accept it.
Make a clean break
One of the most difficult aspects of ending a relationship is remembering that the relationship is over. Most people when ending a relationship like to use the old familiar cliché: ‘We can still be friends.’ It's difficult to still be friends, when one person does not want the relationship to end and the other one wants it to continue. If the relationship has truly come to the end, so should the friendship, communication, and support, at least for the immediate future.
When the relationship ends, both people need time for their mind, body, heart, and soul to heal. Breaking up can take its physical and emotional toll on anyone. The healing will be better when both parties put time, space, and distance between them. Be considerate of your former partners wish(es) if they have a desire for a clean break, and don’t want you communicating with them anymore. If by some chance or happenstance, you meet again on the road of life, you will both be in a better position to be more mature and reflect on your relationship in a positive way, than by one or both parties’ harboring animosity. If you try to remain friends and hold onto something that's no longer there, one person may spend their time clinging on to the false hope of something happening, when there's nothing left to cling to. When it’s over, it’s over. Put a period on it and move on. By Obi Williams
Secrets Of Understanding An Addictive Relationship Revealed
An addictive relationship is no fun, though many, many, people are in dysfunctional relationships that are not in their best interests. Bad relationships lead to abuse, drug use, depression, and to people's lives being negatively affected. Addictive relationships can be hard to define, and therefore it can be hard to tell if you are in one. However, a bad relationship is something to take seriously, and if you can figure out that you are in one, you are one step closer to getting out of it so that you can get into a good relationship.
An addictive relationship tends to isolate either or both partners from the outdide world. It is identical to drug or alcohol dependence. It is something that keeps them apart from the things they really love and tasks they should be accomplishing. An addictive relationship is truly a dysfunctional relationship because it is defined by an increasing craving to be with a person, and by withdrawal symptoms that go along with being away from them. It also has the some of the same signs as other addictions, such as low self-esteem, passivity, magical thinking, lack of initiative, and helplessness.
There are seven things that you can see in an addictive relationship. If you find that your relationship has these things or any number of them, chances are good that you are in a bad relationship, and should consider getting out of it.
1. If it is love at first site, an animal attraction, or infatuation, warning bells should also be going off. This might include a person that is too far away, married, not interested, or emotionally unavailable. If these things are true about your partner, yet you feel like you are drawn to them, it could be an addictive relationship.
2. If changing the other person to want you want them to be is your goal, you are in a losing situation. People will not change just because you hound them. If you find yourself constantly thinking that the relationship would be perfect if the person could just change a little bit, it is a sign of a bad relationship.
3. If know that the relationships is bad for you, but you are not able to break it off, this is a sign of an addictive relationship. you may not feel deserving of a positive relationship, perhaps you are so worried about the others reaction to a break up you lose sight of your own needs. no matter what, these are the signs of a bad relationship.
4. If you notice the realtioships of other happy people seem boring compared to yours, it may be a sign you are hooked on the chaos of an addictive relationship. There is a big probability that you would spurn these people to stay in your current relationship.
5. If you don't feel that you can be independent within your relationship, even though you might be independent in other areas, it might be a sign of an addictive relationship.
6. If it is hard to say 'no' and stick to it and you find yourself always giving in to your partners needs, this is another sign.
7. If your relationship makes you feel self-doubt, it is a sign that your relationship is dysfunctional.
If you find that you are in an addictive relationship, the best thing to do is to get out of the relationship. However, seek help from family and friends, and even professionals, so that you can avoid going back to the person, and so that you can learn how to appreciate yourself long enough to find a successful and good relationship. By Bill Urell
An addictive relationship tends to isolate either or both partners from the outdide world. It is identical to drug or alcohol dependence. It is something that keeps them apart from the things they really love and tasks they should be accomplishing. An addictive relationship is truly a dysfunctional relationship because it is defined by an increasing craving to be with a person, and by withdrawal symptoms that go along with being away from them. It also has the some of the same signs as other addictions, such as low self-esteem, passivity, magical thinking, lack of initiative, and helplessness.
There are seven things that you can see in an addictive relationship. If you find that your relationship has these things or any number of them, chances are good that you are in a bad relationship, and should consider getting out of it.
1. If it is love at first site, an animal attraction, or infatuation, warning bells should also be going off. This might include a person that is too far away, married, not interested, or emotionally unavailable. If these things are true about your partner, yet you feel like you are drawn to them, it could be an addictive relationship.
2. If changing the other person to want you want them to be is your goal, you are in a losing situation. People will not change just because you hound them. If you find yourself constantly thinking that the relationship would be perfect if the person could just change a little bit, it is a sign of a bad relationship.
3. If know that the relationships is bad for you, but you are not able to break it off, this is a sign of an addictive relationship. you may not feel deserving of a positive relationship, perhaps you are so worried about the others reaction to a break up you lose sight of your own needs. no matter what, these are the signs of a bad relationship.
4. If you notice the realtioships of other happy people seem boring compared to yours, it may be a sign you are hooked on the chaos of an addictive relationship. There is a big probability that you would spurn these people to stay in your current relationship.
5. If you don't feel that you can be independent within your relationship, even though you might be independent in other areas, it might be a sign of an addictive relationship.
6. If it is hard to say 'no' and stick to it and you find yourself always giving in to your partners needs, this is another sign.
7. If your relationship makes you feel self-doubt, it is a sign that your relationship is dysfunctional.
If you find that you are in an addictive relationship, the best thing to do is to get out of the relationship. However, seek help from family and friends, and even professionals, so that you can avoid going back to the person, and so that you can learn how to appreciate yourself long enough to find a successful and good relationship. By Bill Urell
Relationship Questions: Question And Build Your Relationship With These 3 Fun Relationship Questions
Answer the following relationship questions as honestly as you can. You can have fun as you use these relationship building questions to open your heart and mind to a brighter future in your marriage or romantic partnership.
1. Are we sharing a vision ...other than television?
Get excited again about your relationship. Make time to talk with your partner about what being together really means to you both. Ask each other relationship questions that gently reveal what you both most love about your relationship. Do not be afraid to discuss what you wish was different. This can help you form clearer goals for the future to meet each partner's needs and wants. Formulate an ideal vision for your relationship which includes specific things you can do together and independently to support and enhance your relationship.
2. Am I pulling my weight or just piling on weight?
True love is earned. It comes with a price-tag of effort, hard work, and daily input. The great thing is that the rewards are almost instant. These relationship questions challenge you to do more to make your relationship passionate, romantic, joyful and fulfilling. Think of your relationship as a personal development program. You have to put as much into your relationship as you can. Effort is required on multiple levels. You need to keep yourself healthy, attractive and interesting to be with. You need to invest in your partner's happiness by taking time to demonstrate how much you appreciate them through compliments, affection, creative gestures, and whole-hearted support and love. Many people seem to just give up once they get 'hitched'. The truth is that the moment you get married or make a commitment to live together is really the start line for a wonderful adventure in love. You cannot afford to stand still in a relationship. You need to hustle; so get creative and fresh. That is real life. That is real love.
3. Am I loving me enough to love you enough?
Do not burden your partner with the responsibility of making you happy. No-one needs a clinging vine wrapped around their legs. So make sure you are not needy like that. You are responsible for your own happiness. You are an independent being and you have chosen to come together with another independent being to join forces in love and mutual care for each other. This is one of the most fundamental relationship questions and it asks you to fill your own cup to overflowing. That way, you will have lots of love and positivity to share. How you do that will be unique to you. You may rely on organised religion or your own personal philosophy. As long as it gives you a feeling of personal empowerment and joy, it will serve you well in your relationship. Build space into your relationship for supporting and cherishing your own needs as well as nurturing your partner's needs. By Anne Amore
1. Are we sharing a vision ...other than television?
Get excited again about your relationship. Make time to talk with your partner about what being together really means to you both. Ask each other relationship questions that gently reveal what you both most love about your relationship. Do not be afraid to discuss what you wish was different. This can help you form clearer goals for the future to meet each partner's needs and wants. Formulate an ideal vision for your relationship which includes specific things you can do together and independently to support and enhance your relationship.
2. Am I pulling my weight or just piling on weight?
True love is earned. It comes with a price-tag of effort, hard work, and daily input. The great thing is that the rewards are almost instant. These relationship questions challenge you to do more to make your relationship passionate, romantic, joyful and fulfilling. Think of your relationship as a personal development program. You have to put as much into your relationship as you can. Effort is required on multiple levels. You need to keep yourself healthy, attractive and interesting to be with. You need to invest in your partner's happiness by taking time to demonstrate how much you appreciate them through compliments, affection, creative gestures, and whole-hearted support and love. Many people seem to just give up once they get 'hitched'. The truth is that the moment you get married or make a commitment to live together is really the start line for a wonderful adventure in love. You cannot afford to stand still in a relationship. You need to hustle; so get creative and fresh. That is real life. That is real love.
3. Am I loving me enough to love you enough?
Do not burden your partner with the responsibility of making you happy. No-one needs a clinging vine wrapped around their legs. So make sure you are not needy like that. You are responsible for your own happiness. You are an independent being and you have chosen to come together with another independent being to join forces in love and mutual care for each other. This is one of the most fundamental relationship questions and it asks you to fill your own cup to overflowing. That way, you will have lots of love and positivity to share. How you do that will be unique to you. You may rely on organised religion or your own personal philosophy. As long as it gives you a feeling of personal empowerment and joy, it will serve you well in your relationship. Build space into your relationship for supporting and cherishing your own needs as well as nurturing your partner's needs. By Anne Amore
Relationship: Ten Strategies to Improve Your Relationship
Relationship Strategy No.1: Appreciate your Partners
Differences
* Due to your upbringing, family background, cultural heritage and psychological makeup, you and your partner approach life from completely different perspectives.
* By accepting that fact, you can begin to appreciate the value that your partner brings to the relationship. A balanced relationship requires Ying and Yang, the male and the female to flourish. Differing viewpoints make for a rich and rewarding relationship.
Relationship Strategy No.2: Understand the Nature of Love
* Has the hot, heady romantic passion subsided in your relationship? Has the infatuation faded? Good! Now you are ready to move on to the mature stage of love. You have moved past the first flush of romantic love where your feelings are in a constant flutter and your emotions are running high.
* Now you can develop a more mature and realistic approach to your relationship. Work, family, children, friends, as well as your relationship, are all part of a much bigger picture. This is the natural progression and does not mean that you are no longer in love. It just means that reality has taken over from unrealistic expectations.
Relationship Strategy No.3: Accept Your Partners Values
and Beliefs
* Do not expect your partner to agree with everything you value and believe.
* You can expect to fundamentally disagree about most things. If you can accept that your partner has a different opinion to yours, then you can agree to disagree. This need not impact on your emotional agreement. You can still love your partner even if you don't agree with their opinion.
Relationship Strategy No.4: Accept that you and your
partner have conflicting interests
* You like may like pop music, your partner may like soul music. You like football, your partner prefers tennis. You like drama, your partner prefers comedies. You like X, your partner prefers Y.
* Just because you have different interests does not mean that there is anything wrong with your relationship.
* If you experience conflict and stress as a result of engaging in activities that you don't really like, then you should consider giving them up.
Relationship Strategy No.5: Learn How to Argue
Constructively
* Disagreements arise in every relationship. This need not be a problem.
* When you argue, keep to the issue. Do not verbally attack your partner personally.
* Ask for time to calm down if you are emotionally upset.
* Don't put your entire relationship on the line for the sake of winning an argument.
* Try to achieve emotional balance after expressing your opinion.
Relationship Strategy No.6: Learn to Control Your
Feelings
* Avoid attacks on the self worth of your partner during arguments. This is potentially destructive and may not represent how you truly feel.
* If you are emotionally out of control, it might be best to leave the room for a while, go for a run, do some exercise or find other ways to relieve the tension you feel.
* Avoid saying things in the heat of the moment that you might regret later when you have clamed down.
Relationship Strategy No.7: Remember to Maintain an
Intimate Relationship
* It is so easy to drift into lazy habits. Watching T.V. late into the night so that you are too tired for intimacy. Overeating or over drinking so that you are incapable of quality time together. Allowing yourself to get out of condition or becoming slovenly in your habits. These all impact on sexual desire and performance.
* Recapture some of the romance of courtship with flowers, candlelight and dinners for two. Rekindle the flame of sexual desire by taking the time to be intimate. Maintain the physical comfort of touching, caressing and holding hands.
Relationship Strategy No.8: Accept your Partners
Weaknesses
* Your partner may be less than perfect but then so are you. Accept your partner's weaknesses. If they were perfect then they wouldn't need you, would they?
* Focus on your partner's strengths. Make a list of all the things you like about them and concentrate your attention on those.
* Providing your partner's behaviour is not abusive or destructive then you can learn to overlook it and learn to compensate for them. Remember you are two halves of one whole.
Relationship Strategy No.9: Accept the Unique Qualities of your
Relationship
* Every relationship is different. What you accept in your relationship others may think is objectionable. What you think is objectionable in the relationship of others, they may think is tolerable.
* Just be yourselves and find your own level of acceptable behaviour within your relationship. Do not allow yourselves to be judged by anyone else's so-called standards of acceptable behaviour.
* Everyone expresses love in their own unique way. The underlying feelings are genuine and real, however they are expressed.
Relationship Strategy No.10: Accept Responsibility for the
Relationship
* If you want the relationship to change then start by changing your own behaviour or attitudes.
* You cannot expect your partner to change just because you are unhappy about their behaviour or their attitudes.
* Accept the responsibility of changing your own approach, use new techniques, adopt new strategies.
Differences
* Due to your upbringing, family background, cultural heritage and psychological makeup, you and your partner approach life from completely different perspectives.
* By accepting that fact, you can begin to appreciate the value that your partner brings to the relationship. A balanced relationship requires Ying and Yang, the male and the female to flourish. Differing viewpoints make for a rich and rewarding relationship.
Relationship Strategy No.2: Understand the Nature of Love
* Has the hot, heady romantic passion subsided in your relationship? Has the infatuation faded? Good! Now you are ready to move on to the mature stage of love. You have moved past the first flush of romantic love where your feelings are in a constant flutter and your emotions are running high.
* Now you can develop a more mature and realistic approach to your relationship. Work, family, children, friends, as well as your relationship, are all part of a much bigger picture. This is the natural progression and does not mean that you are no longer in love. It just means that reality has taken over from unrealistic expectations.
Relationship Strategy No.3: Accept Your Partners Values
and Beliefs
* Do not expect your partner to agree with everything you value and believe.
* You can expect to fundamentally disagree about most things. If you can accept that your partner has a different opinion to yours, then you can agree to disagree. This need not impact on your emotional agreement. You can still love your partner even if you don't agree with their opinion.
Relationship Strategy No.4: Accept that you and your
partner have conflicting interests
* You like may like pop music, your partner may like soul music. You like football, your partner prefers tennis. You like drama, your partner prefers comedies. You like X, your partner prefers Y.
* Just because you have different interests does not mean that there is anything wrong with your relationship.
* If you experience conflict and stress as a result of engaging in activities that you don't really like, then you should consider giving them up.
Relationship Strategy No.5: Learn How to Argue
Constructively
* Disagreements arise in every relationship. This need not be a problem.
* When you argue, keep to the issue. Do not verbally attack your partner personally.
* Ask for time to calm down if you are emotionally upset.
* Don't put your entire relationship on the line for the sake of winning an argument.
* Try to achieve emotional balance after expressing your opinion.
Relationship Strategy No.6: Learn to Control Your
Feelings
* Avoid attacks on the self worth of your partner during arguments. This is potentially destructive and may not represent how you truly feel.
* If you are emotionally out of control, it might be best to leave the room for a while, go for a run, do some exercise or find other ways to relieve the tension you feel.
* Avoid saying things in the heat of the moment that you might regret later when you have clamed down.
Relationship Strategy No.7: Remember to Maintain an
Intimate Relationship
* It is so easy to drift into lazy habits. Watching T.V. late into the night so that you are too tired for intimacy. Overeating or over drinking so that you are incapable of quality time together. Allowing yourself to get out of condition or becoming slovenly in your habits. These all impact on sexual desire and performance.
* Recapture some of the romance of courtship with flowers, candlelight and dinners for two. Rekindle the flame of sexual desire by taking the time to be intimate. Maintain the physical comfort of touching, caressing and holding hands.
Relationship Strategy No.8: Accept your Partners
Weaknesses
* Your partner may be less than perfect but then so are you. Accept your partner's weaknesses. If they were perfect then they wouldn't need you, would they?
* Focus on your partner's strengths. Make a list of all the things you like about them and concentrate your attention on those.
* Providing your partner's behaviour is not abusive or destructive then you can learn to overlook it and learn to compensate for them. Remember you are two halves of one whole.
Relationship Strategy No.9: Accept the Unique Qualities of your
Relationship
* Every relationship is different. What you accept in your relationship others may think is objectionable. What you think is objectionable in the relationship of others, they may think is tolerable.
* Just be yourselves and find your own level of acceptable behaviour within your relationship. Do not allow yourselves to be judged by anyone else's so-called standards of acceptable behaviour.
* Everyone expresses love in their own unique way. The underlying feelings are genuine and real, however they are expressed.
Relationship Strategy No.10: Accept Responsibility for the
Relationship
* If you want the relationship to change then start by changing your own behaviour or attitudes.
* You cannot expect your partner to change just because you are unhappy about their behaviour or their attitudes.
* Accept the responsibility of changing your own approach, use new techniques, adopt new strategies.
Conscious Mating: Is This the Right Relationship for Me?
Prior to making a commitment in a relationship, or in the "pre-commitment" stage, is your opportunity to choose your future as consciously as possible.
YOU ARE A PIONEER
You are the pioneer of your life. And if you are reading this you are most likely seeking to be the pioneer of your relationships by striving to break free of past patterns and make conscious relationship choices. As a relationship pioneer your goal is to be fully aware of the long-term impact of your choices and date and mate with conscious intention. You are determined to create the life and relationship you really want and believe that true love and fulfillment will happen only if you go after what you really want and don’t settle for less.
Everyone begins their journey towards a successful and fulfilling committed life partnership as a single. When you date and finally find someone to bond with in a relationship it's very exciting, but at the same time, most are conscious of the question "Is this the right relationship for me?" and are in what I call the "Pre-commitment Stage" of a relationship. The journey from single to becoming a conscious couple in a successful, fulfilling committed life partnership I call "Conscious Mating." Just as a conscious single must have clarity about who you are, what you want, and how to get it, so must a conscious couple. As challenging as it is for you to make good long term relationship choices when you’re single, it can be even more challenging to make good long-term relationship choices when in a pre-committed relationship.
WHAT IS PRE-COMMITMENT?
When singles become couples in today's world, most are wondering at some level "Is this 'The One'? Should I be with this person for the rest of my life?" They are an exclusive couple, but not yet committed.
It may be tempting to call these couples "pre-marital" as a catch-all term to include all couples that haven't yet taken the step of becoming committed. However, in our opinion, the mindset of a pre-marital couple is "We want to be married," which is very different from the pre-commitment mindset of "Is this the right relationship for me?"
When I first identified the pre-commitment stage and started developing some approaches to working with these couples, I recognized this stage as different than "pre-marital" but didn't know what to call it. The label "pre-commitment" was intended to be temporary, but it stuck. I was amazed at the lack of recognition, information, and resources for this stage of relationship among mainstream relationship experts and the available research and literature. Even today, while this phenomenon has become common practice in our culture it is still largely unrecognized in the mainstream, which I hope to change with articles such as this one.
TWO TYPES OF PRE-COMMITMENT
Pre-committed couples generally fall into two categories-
UNCONSCIOUS- typically following the "mini-marriage" model of trying the relationship out, acting committed without actually making the commitment. A disconnect of fact and attitude.
CONSCIOUS- aware that they are not yet committed, usually have commitment as a goal, asking themselves "Is this the right relationship for me? Should I make a commitment?" An alignment of fact and attitude.
ROMANTIC LOVE AND PRE-COMMITMENT
There are many misconceptions about love. Our culture glorifies the romantic love stage of relationship in literature, theatre, television, and movies. It is that initial infatuation stage of a relationship when our chemistry is in high gear and we experience euphoria. Powerful amphetamine-like neurotransmitters flood and alter our brain chemistry.
While unsustainable, the romantic love stage serves an important purpose because it gives us a taste of our best and most powerful selves. If the relationship turns out to be a good long-term choice, this stage bonds us together and prepares us to weather life’s inevitable storms. Confusing this initial romantic stage with real, sustainable love is a mistake that can be our undoing.
We want and expect to be happy, and romantic love is eternally optimistic. We don’t want to believe that when we experience this intense chemistry with someone that it won’t work. We want to avoid the pain of failure and can be tempted to try hard to fit a round peg into a square hole, twisting ourselves into a pretzel trying to “make” a relationship work.
In today’s world when singles become couples, few jump blindly into immediate commitment. Most new couples are “pre-committed,” meaning they are an exclusive couple, but they haven’t yet decided the future of their relationship. This stage coincides with romantic love, and conscious couples who understand relationships realize the need to get to know one another long enough for the infatuation to wear off and experience the reality before making irreversible long-term choices.
CONSCIOUS MATING – A RADICAL POSITION
Here is the radical truth: Relationships do break up. As hard as we might try to prevent and avoid relationship failure, it happens anyway. Because there are many unconscious forces at work in every stage of a relationship, being fully aware isn’t easy and controlling the outcome is impossible.. These unconscious forces have the potential for undermining our best efforts to sustain love if we are not aware.
In Conscious Mating, rather than unconsciously believing romantic fantasies of living happily ever after, we accept this truth. Since relationships break up anyway, why not be as conscious as possible in the process and increase our odds of success?
CHOOSING YOUR RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGES
Every relationship has challenges. This is normal and does not mean there is something inherently wrong with your relationship. Some challenges are solvable and can be addressed and resolved, others are perpetually unsolvable. Prior to making a commitment in a relationship, or in the "pre-commitment" stage, is your opportunity to choose your future as objectively as possible.
You can use the pre-commitment stage of a relationship to identify the solvable challenges and unsolvable problems in this relationship. You can then make a conscious choice to take them on and live with them, or decide that they sabotage the long-term sustainability of your relationship and walk away while you still can with much less pain and cost than further down the road. In pre-commitment you are in an exclusive relationship that is not yet committed. This gives you an opportunity to identify whether this relationship meets your requirements and needs for a successful long-term relationship before you make a commitment. Using the pre-commitment stage to make conscious long-term choices makes good sense.
PAIN PREVENTION
Even if you experience the pain of breaking up in the pre-commitment stage, this prevents you from experiencing even greater pain down the road.
Making the most conscious choice possible before making a commitment is, in our opinion, a pain-prevention gift you can give to yourself. As difficult as it is to make the choice to end a relationship, you will save yourself the devastation you will surely experience at the end of a mini-marriage or a divorce, especially where children are involved.
By David SteeleSaturday, July 18, 2009
Romance Secrets - Making That Old Relationship Feel Like New
When I talk about the absolute importance of keeping your relationship youthful, couples often listen in disbelief.
Show me a couple who has lost their luster for playing, cutting up and having fun, and I'll show you a couple on the brink of despair. Or perpetual boredom!
Naturally, as we settle into a long-term relationship, familiarity may lead to boredom. But knowing a person well isn't the problem. That's an asset. The problem is one of settling into a routine and forgetting to mix things up a bit.
What You Can Do About It
If your relationship has become old-hat, and you need to give it a shot of adrenalin, try using a successful strategy I often use with my clients. It will help you to have a lighter, more enjoyable relationship, and to keep your relationship young and vital.
I ask both partners to sit down and make a list of how they would like the relationship to change in the future. What new activities would they like to do? How would they like to relate to each other? How can they add a twist of new excitement or in some way revitalize the relationship?
Having a frank and open discussion can help you to pinpoint areas of concern and unhappiness. Keeping the focus of the discussion on the future helps you to stay positive and to think in terms of your relationship's potential.
I encourage couples to be creative and to use their imaginations when designing the relationship they will have in the future.
Ways To Plan For The Future That Will Work
-- Select a few basic areas in need of change or growth -- areas in the relationship you both value
-- Find new activities you would enjoy doing, and turn over a new leaf by doing a few
-- Select activities or interests you both feel excited about
-- Be bold and try something different
-- Do plan a relationship around more time for play and having fun, but do not over-structure it or make it seem like work or an obligation.
-- Remember all work and no play makes a couple feel old and grumpy. How can you rearrange your relationship to have more time for having fun, traveling or just enjoying life more together?
-- Consider large and small changes, such as moving to another part of the country or finding new hobbies that can keep you learning new things and finding new avenues for personal growth and change
Make A List
Write it all up and make a list of additional steps to take in improving your relationship. Would you like to discuss it with family members or get ideas from people you trust? Are there things you might want to investigate? Do you both need to read a good book on reinvigorating your sex life? Whatever!
A Trip To The City Park
Last week I saw a couple playing in a wonderful way at the local park. They were an older couple, both silver-haired. So don't say you are too old to try this!
They walked around the playground trying out all the equipment, from the teeter totter to the kiddie slide. Some of the play stations were too physically demanding for them, but they had a good time trying. They laughed as they played together, rummaging about the playground with a light-hearted spirit. In the end, they gravitated toward the swing set where they stayed for a long time, swinging.
Not only did they swing on their own, but they took turns pushing each other! She didn't give him much of a push, and they laughed about that for a long time.
This couple captured the spirit of play that makes a relationship feel new and interesting. I don't know how long they had been together, but it didn't matter. If you have fun and try new things at any age, it will re-invigorate your relationship. Sometimes it's merely a matter of rediscovering a long-forgotten activity . . . something you haven't found time to do for a while.
The most memorable image I have kept from that day at the park is one of the couple walking slowly on the walking trail, holding hands in an orange purple burst of sunset, their silver heads flowing with color. How lovely they were, walking, as if one, a smile of unison on their faces.
Rediscover A Lost Relationship Or Build A New One?
You and your partner can get closer together and start enjoying your relationship more, if you rediscover the lost art of having fun and playing as two childhood friends, or the friends you once were. Instead of arguing or worrying, or getting ensnared in the daily routine, which can feel like a cement weight, start a new ripple of fun in your relationship. Reinvent your relationship. Recover your lost knack for living life with a sense of spontaneity, discovery and having fun.
Yet, that is only the beginning.
Why not ask yourselves, now you are experienced with your relationship, what would you like for it to be that it has not yet become?
Why not design the relationship you always wanted by finding creative ways of thinking about your relationship and setting some totally new goals for yourselves?
By Richard HamonLetting Go Of A Relationship-How To Do It Fast So You Can Find Your True Love
Letting go of a relationship is never easy. But you don't have to suffer for days, weeks, months or worse, years, when you're letting go of a relationship. You can let go quickly and move on to something better.
Follow these three steps when you need to face letting go of a relationship.
1. As soon as the relationship ends, be grateful for the fact that you had the relationship in your life.
The purpose of this step is to shift your energy and your focus. Pain comes from your thoughts. Change your thoughts, and you change the way you feel.
You can find gratitude for an ended relationship in two ways.
First, presumably any relationship you've been in (especially if you're having trouble letting go of it) brought you some gifts. You had something good come from your being in the relationship you're letting go. When you choose to focus on what was good, you shift your attention away from the loss of the relationship. You put your focus on the pleasure it has brought to your life.
Second, even if a relationship wasn't all good, it taught you something. When you really think about a relationship, you can find lessons that will help you live a better life.
Too often, we tend to blame relationship problems on the other person. But keep in mind the old adage that there's one thing in common in every relationship you have--that one thing is you. What did your last relationship teach you about yourself and how you live your life?
Looking for the lessons in an experience can help you realize the value of having had the experience. When you look at the value, the fact that the experience is over has no relevance.
2. Once you're clear on what gifts the relationship brought to you, stay in this feel good place by creating a vision of what you want in an ideal relationship.
Much of the pain of letting go of a relationship comes from a sense of being unable to have what you want. When you're hanging on to something you've lost, you feel like you are stuck in a situation you don't want and you'll always be stuck there.
You need to create in yourself an expectation, or better yet, a knowing that what you want in a relationship is not only possible but is on its way to you. The best way to do this is to create a relationship vision.
Creating a relationship vision has two parts.
First, write out a description of the kind of relationship you want. Describe the kind of things you'd like to do with the person you're with. Describe how you want to be treated. Describe the level of commitment you want and the level of intimacy.
Second, make a list of the qualities you'd like your mate to have. List all the inner qualities (like thoughtfulness, sexiness, kindness, etc.) and the outer ones (if those are important to you). List what you'd like your mate to enjoy doing. List the way you want your mate to feel about you.
3. Now that you've created your vision, it's time to use it.
Every time you find yourself lingering on the bad feelings of loss over your ended relationship, close your eyes and create a mental movie of yourself in the ideal relationship you've described. Imagine yourself spending time with the person you've described in your list.
When you find yourself longing for the person who is no longer a part of your life or you find yourself thinking that you'll always be alone, go back to your vision and linger in it some more.
By Andrea WaggenerGrief and It's Impact on Relationship Selection
Grief can have devastating effects on the type of person you choose for a relationship while you are still actively grieving the loss of a previous relationship. Many people do not realize they are grieving when a relationship ends which actually places them at-risk of choosing dangerously while being impaired by their grief.
Some people assume that grief is related only if your partner has recently died and if you are currently still saddened by the loss. But actually grieving occurs when any relationship ends—whether it is anticipated, desired, prepared for, or not. The longer the relationship existed, the longer the grief normally takes.
Persons are often distressed to learn that there should be a ‘time out’ from dating or future relationships when one relationship has ended. The rule of thumb is 6 months time-out for every 5 years of relationship. So if you were with someone (married or not) for 10 years that would suggest you take 1 year off from being in a relationship or dating. I get horrified reactions to that because most people think ‘just get your self back out there. The best way to get over someone is with someone else.’ Nothing could be further from the truth.
Many of my clients ended up in counseling with me because they did exactly that. While still grieving from a previous relationship, they hooked up and made some bad choices in the selection of their next relationship which caused them even more problems and pain. When you are coming out of a relationship, you are in pain even if you aren’t acknowledging it, even if you wanted out of the relationship, even if you had planned for the ending of it. When we are in pain, we are not in our best decision-making mind. When issues of the previous relationship are not resolved, many people go on to choose someone just like the person in the relationship they ended. Subconsciously they are trying to work out those relationship issues—but with a new person, instead of the one they just left.
Drastically, many people jump from one relationship to the next to avoid being alone. Alone does not necessarily have to mean = loneliness. But in these cases, people don’t really care about the quality of the next relationship they only desire to avoid themselves and the feelings of the lost relationship. These are issues for the person to work out with a professional because people who cannot be alone are at a significant risk of choosing anyone to avoid being alone.
The baggage we carry from the last relationship has the ability to impact current and future relationships. Ideally, none of us want to hurt new relationships with our old relationship issues that are unresolved. That’s why time off from relationships help us get some distance where we can assess the good and bad things of the relationship, our part in it, the types of people who we tend to select and whether we need to make some changes. These insights do not happen overnight or even within a few weeks. That is why following the formula listed above protects you from your own impaired relationship choices. Sometimes it allows enough time that you see you might need a few counseling sessions to work out your anger, fear, or look deeper at your relationship selection patterns.
By Sandra L. BrownThe Relationship Mistake of Settling
There are generally two types of mindset when it comes to the prospect of being in a serious, loving relationship with someone. There are those who are quite content being independent and single, they perceive a relationship as a bonus, should someone special enter their life. They are quite self-sufficient and by no means need to have a relationship. They, by and large, are open the idea, should life bring them in that direction.
Then there are those who crave a relationship. They yearn for a relationship, to such an extreme, that they make an unwise choice that leads to sadness, dissatisfaction and broken hearts. The majority of the adult single population fit into the later way of thinking. Desiring a loving, nurturing and safe relationship, they do it: they settle.
Settling is entering into a relationship with a less than desirable mate for the sake of escaping the single life. It is quite common and only inevitably leads down a road of frustration. Caught up in the swirl of desperately trying to find "the one" and the constant ticking of the clock reminding people that they are getting older by the moment, can cause this to happen.
If one settles for a less than pleasing relationships out of the fear of being single and the longing to be a couple, once the relationships falter, the result will be a life full of heartaches. If choosing to remain in the relationship, it will certainly lead to living a life that is not the one truthfully desired. If a person has had a string of broken hearts or is very unsatisfied in their relationship, looking at this from the standpoint of being responsible for whom you choose to be with in a relationship, may bring new perspective to the possibility of settling. If settling is occurring, identifying this as the underlying problem, a person can take preventive measures.
Let us look deeper into the reasons of why one settles. We are raised to believe that the ideal life is one in which we fall in love, marry and then have usually have children. Creating our own family and growing old with our soul mate is instilled in our minds from a very young age. As we enter our late teenage years and early twenties, we are usually weaving our way through relationships, trying to decipher what type of person best fits our needs to sustain a healthy and loving relationship. If a person does not find a truly compatible mate, one that fulfills their emotional and physical needs, provides love, understanding, concern and support through life's difficulties, it is at this time that one may opt to settle.
There are several aspects involved when one settles. A person may not even realize that they are indeed settling. Fed up with breakups and longing for a stable relationship, a person may settle for a less than compatible relationship. In the beginning of the relationship, this person will feel a temporary relief from the difficulties of being single. With the stereotype of being single in their past, they will enter a relationship full force. Ignoring red flag warnings, and dismissing any subconscious doubts, this person will remain in the relationship until it falls apart. The relationship may be stormy, as a result of an false connection, or it may be a rather peaceful relationship but lacking the strong and powerful love that one deserves.
Settling may bring temporary happiness, however the key word is temporary. When a person is in a relationship that is not the ideal one for them, they are choosing to close off the option of finding true love. This is not fair to the either person in the relationship. We all desire love. We all desire for someone to care for us above all else. We all desire the feeling of being safe and secure in the arms of another. Setting does not produce those results.
If realizing that you are settling, ask yourself this: Do you wish to spend your time in a relationship that is doomed or will bring you limited satisfaction? If entering into one relationship after another with people that you know do not possess the qualities that you are ultimately seeking, do you wish to continue doing so, knowing it will lead to disappointment when the relationship ends?
By Gary CaineThe Relationship Mistake of Settling
There are generally two types of mindset when it comes to the prospect of being in a serious, loving relationship with someone. There are those who are quite content being independent and single, they perceive a relationship as a bonus, should someone special enter their life. They are quite self-sufficient and by no means need to have a relationship. They, by and large, are open the idea, should life bring them in that direction.
Then there are those who crave a relationship. They yearn for a relationship, to such an extreme, that they make an unwise choice that leads to sadness, dissatisfaction and broken hearts. The majority of the adult single population fit into the later way of thinking. Desiring a loving, nurturing and safe relationship, they do it: they settle.
Settling is entering into a relationship with a less than desirable mate for the sake of escaping the single life. It is quite common and only inevitably leads down a road of frustration. Caught up in the swirl of desperately trying to find "the one" and the constant ticking of the clock reminding people that they are getting older by the moment, can cause this to happen.
If one settles for a less than pleasing relationships out of the fear of being single and the longing to be a couple, once the relationships falter, the result will be a life full of heartaches. If choosing to remain in the relationship, it will certainly lead to living a life that is not the one truthfully desired. If a person has had a string of broken hearts or is very unsatisfied in their relationship, looking at this from the standpoint of being responsible for whom you choose to be with in a relationship, may bring new perspective to the possibility of settling. If settling is occurring, identifying this as the underlying problem, a person can take preventive measures.
Let us look deeper into the reasons of why one settles. We are raised to believe that the ideal life is one in which we fall in love, marry and then have usually have children. Creating our own family and growing old with our soul mate is instilled in our minds from a very young age. As we enter our late teenage years and early twenties, we are usually weaving our way through relationships, trying to decipher what type of person best fits our needs to sustain a healthy and loving relationship. If a person does not find a truly compatible mate, one that fulfills their emotional and physical needs, provides love, understanding, concern and support through life's difficulties, it is at this time that one may opt to settle.
There are several aspects involved when one settles. A person may not even realize that they are indeed settling. Fed up with breakups and longing for a stable relationship, a person may settle for a less than compatible relationship. In the beginning of the relationship, this person will feel a temporary relief from the difficulties of being single. With the stereotype of being single in their past, they will enter a relationship full force. Ignoring red flag warnings, and dismissing any subconscious doubts, this person will remain in the relationship until it falls apart. The relationship may be stormy, as a result of an false connection, or it may be a rather peaceful relationship but lacking the strong and powerful love that one deserves.
Settling may bring temporary happiness, however the key word is temporary. When a person is in a relationship that is not the ideal one for them, they are choosing to close off the option of finding true love. This is not fair to the either person in the relationship. We all desire love. We all desire for someone to care for us above all else. We all desire the feeling of being safe and secure in the arms of another. Setting does not produce those results.
If realizing that you are settling, ask yourself this: Do you wish to spend your time in a relationship that is doomed or will bring you limited satisfaction? If entering into one relationship after another with people that you know do not possess the qualities that you are ultimately seeking, do you wish to continue doing so, knowing it will lead to disappointment when the relationship ends?
By Gary CaineAnswers to the Most Common Relationship Questions: Excerpt from Stop Being the String Along
QUESTION:
What to do if one person in the marriage grows spiritually and the other stays the same and refuses to acknowledge the other person’s beliefs as right for them? My husband thinks that my study of metaphysics is just temporary and that I will come back to his religion. I don’t know how to handle this, but the issue involves every aspect of our relationship. I don’t feel connected in any sense except by our two small children, aged 4 and 2.
ANSWER:
It is vital that you continue to follow your truth with respect to your spiritual growth. No one has the right to judge, criticize, or coerce you to follow his religious or spiritual preferences. This is not up for debate. You do not have to convince your husband or seek approval from him or from anyone else regarding your personal truth, spiritual values, or beliefs. Quite frankly, it is no one’s business but your own.
So I would advise you to ask yourself why you are staying in a relationship when the only connection you feel is through your children. If you feel the relationship is not satisfying and if you feel that your personal and spiritual growth are not being honored, it is perfectly okay to remove yourself from criticism, misery, and condemnation from the man you are sharing your (unhappy) life with.
Alternatively, you can stand in your truth and state that your spiritual growth will never be judged or dictated to by any other human being, and ask your husband to accept you for who you are, despite his differing views. Ask him if he would like it if you tried to dictate his religious preferences. You can ask him to honor who you are, and if he refuses to do so, then you do have the option to end the relationship that is more hurtful than supportive. You deserve respect on all levels. Please remember that.
QUESTION:
After 28 years in a dysfunctional marriage, I finally divorced my husband. That was 14 months ago. Now we are both changing and are back together, realizing that we both needed to change to become healthier people. With God’s blessings, hopefully, do you think we can become what we both need for ourselves and for one another?
ANSWER:
Absolutely! This is actually fantastic to hear. When two people love each other and realize that they both need to take personal responsibility to heal and evolve on all levels of personal growth, when each partner is committed to his own personal growth and supportive of his partner’s process, this is a gift.
Our greatest growth in relationships comes from being in relationships, not in isolation. Always share honestly. Always be true to self and have the courage to be real with your partner. You can never go wrong.
QUESTION:
How can you use your intuition to figure out where you should move to, to meet your partner, if you are currently single? I am going to move from the town I’ve been living in for 25 years and want to know how I can figure out where I should move to.
ANSWER:
Dear One, when you move to another town because you want to live there, to enhance your own life, and for no other reason, you will attract someone who is living his or her truth as well, rather than searching for a partner. The key here is in attracting by living your life for you rather than searching to fill a void. You will find that when you least expect it, someone who mirrors where you are within yourself will pop right into your life. So thrive and create the best life you can. Passionately fill your days and nights with all you love to do, and you will attract someone who is living his or her life that way, someone who will mirror you.
QUESTION:
How will I know when I am truly ready to be in a relationship, after not being in one for over eight years? I quit trying after my last relationship turned out to be just like my ex-husband, who was an alcoholic, used cocaine, and went into violent rages. I was severely abused by my natural father, sexually, emotionally, and physically . . . then sexually molested by my brother, brother-in-law, and stepfather (who also beat us). I know from counseling that my relationships with men were my way of trying to “fix” my father/male role models. I think I’m not ready to be in a relationship yet because I feel that I have nothing to offer. I am 200 lbs. overweight and have no teeth. I am also in severe pain most of the time because of fibromyalgia and lower back pain from a fall several years ago. To lose weight I need to exercise, but I am in so much pain that it’s almost impossible. I sometimes feel overwhelmed by all of this and discouraged, but I keep going. I am also an insomniac, and when I do happen to fall asleep, I usually have horrific nightmares. I am telling you all of this not for you to do something about it but so that you will understand my original question about relationships. What is a normal relationship, and how do I know it’s love?
ANSWER:
First, know with absolute certainty that you do have a lot to offer, even just by sharing authentically. It took a lot of courage for you to open up, and so many people can relate to you. Many others have asked for similar answers, so I thank you for your question.
Now, it is time you forced yourself to discover every wonderful quality you have from the inside out. Your worth is not determined by your weight or your teeth. All of this can be adjusted. You can get a dental bridge and have teeth. Some people are overweight due to thyroid problems, and they are just as worthy as people who are stick thin. This is a time to love yourself by discovering what you truly love, what you really want to express from within concerning your life purpose. These discoveries will help you to heal your self-degrading feelings. Take heart. I used to be the world’s biggest doormat. I had an unhappy childhood, failed relationships, and very low self-esteem. I had to discover my passion, find my value from the inside out, and express it as my joy-filled work each day in order to feel my value as an equal member of the human race.
Nobody is better than you. Nobody is less than you. A normal relationship is one in which you can value yourself and the other person equally. In a normal relationship, you are treated beautifully, and you treat the other person beautifully. A normal relationship has one prerequisite: you must really love yourself. Plenty of people who write to me and many people I know look like models, and they still feel unworthy. I used to be one of them, too.
Ask yourself this: If you had ten million dollars in the bank and could do something for the rest of your life that would fill you with great joy, what would that be? What would bring you so much joy that you would do it for free? Search within for the answer. It will lead you to discover your life purpose. Who are the people you admire and connect with from your heart? What are they doing with their lives? That is a good indicator of a natural direction for you, a natural purpose for your life. Moreover, perhaps you suffered the experiences you have been through so that you could reach out and help others overcome their abuse and pain. Usually, our greatest challenges lead to our greatest life purpose fulfilled.
You do have a special purpose. And you are a special human being. Look into your heart to discover what really matters to you. Then bring it out into your life as your work. Being an example stems from your heart, not from your looks. You will attract a wonderful man into your life once you discover and believe that you are wonderful.
QUESTION:
Is unconditional love possible between two persons in a relationship?
ANSWER:
Yes, as long as they both love themselves unconditionally, without self-judgment, self-criticism, or self-abuse of any kind. You can only give what you have on the inside.
QUESTION:
How can I help myself to recognize the “one” that I am supposed to spend my life with?
ANSWER:
When you can be your authentic self in every way with that person, when you treat each other equally and beautifully, love each other’s company, communicate openly and honestly, share similar values, respect each other on all levels without ever compromising your truths, and have wonderful chemistry and passion in bed, then you will recognize that you have found “the one” for you.
QUESTION:
Is there a soul mate for each person?
ANSWER:
Yes, but not every person meets a soul mate in this lifetime. Many people have soul agreements to work out karma from previous lives together or to support each other in this life. We also may experience a soul level recognition with many people in our lives, such as with our best friends or relatives.
A soul mate relationship is not always a bed of roses. It can be one of the most growth-filled and transformative relationships we ever have; and it may or may not last for the remainder of this life, although it serves a deeply important purpose for individual growth.
If you want to attract a wonderful match or spiritual partner, grow to love yourself deeply with genuine appreciation for the person you are. Shine and express all that you came into this life to be and express. You will certainly and naturally attract a wonderful counterpart who will mirror your highest level of growth, and you can share an astounding relationship with that person as your equal on all levels.
There is no “perfect” person. Thinking of a soul mate as such is a myth. But you can attract an incredible person into your life once you become the incredible person you came into this life to be and express on all levels.
QUESTION:
Why must we be prepared to accept that some wonderful relationships, even of soul mates, are destined to end? Phrased differently, how can we know if a sacred contract is going to result in a relationship ending? How can we carry love forward from that point?
ANSWER:
We cannot hold on to another person for dear life. We never know if suddenly a person is going to be out of our lives. The most important thing is to be and share your greatest self with the one you love, and create the most joy-filled life possible each moment you are fortunate to experience love with another. Life is filled with constant change. Love with all of your heart, share all of who you are, do your best, be your best, express your truth, and always allow the other person the same freedom of being and expression. There are no guarantees in life, but loving fully and purely is one of the most rewarding experiences of life on earth.
QUESTION:
How will I ever feel that I can trust enough and become vulnerable enough to be emotionally intimate with someone without giving away my power?
ANSWER:
The only way you can ever trust another is to first trust yourself, your feelings, your instincts—and listen to them. Then a person can earn your trust over time and through many small experiences. Notice what you instinctively pick up on. Watch to see if the person’s words and actions match.
Don’t just give all of your trust to others without getting to know them over time.
When people show you that they can be counted on by following through on what they say and by sharing themselves, you can slowly open up and share yourself. You can share your truth and be emotionally intimate by standing in your truth, regardless of what they do or say.
Never back out of what is true for you to please another person—that is giving away your power.
QUESTION:
How do you change someone’s belief system?
ANSWER:
You don’t. Ever.
Would you like it if someone tried to change your belief system?
You must respect all human beings enough to allow them to be who they are, even if you have different preferences or beliefs. You are not on this earth to change your belief system to please any other person. Therefore, no other person is on this earth to change his or her belief system to please you.
QUESTION:
Sometimes you can be in a dating relationship and it can be great, and then you get a vibe that the partner is not 100 percent there, as they once were. Immediately, women in general start to analyze: “Why didn’t he call me? He always calls me at this time. What does that mean?” Then women start to doubt themselves, overanalyze, and wind up making it worse. Women then say: “Well, if he’s not calling me, I’m not going to call him.” And they start giving out weird vibes and all turns to dust.
When you are feeling doubt in a relationship that once was strong, what do you do? How do you address it?
ANSWER:
The best thing to do is to get super absorbed in your life, your purpose, and allow the other person his or her space.
Then, when you do speak, you can make plans to laugh and have a blast for the next time you get together.
If you are secure within yourself and truly absorbed in your life purpose, you may notice that you don’t always have the chance to make a call at the exact same moment every day. But if your world is revolving around the other person’s phone call, then of course you’re going to feel insecure, because you are more focused on the other person than on yourself.
Sometimes people need some breathing room, time to call their own. Maybe they just want to rest or are on the phone with a friend or are watching a movie and don’t realize what time it is. Or maybe they are losing interest. Either way, the more centered you are within your own life and the more centered you feel within self, the less this is going to disturb you. When you do see each other, laugh! Create a great time. Create a wonderful memory. Share what is going on in your life, and show interest in what is going on in their life.
When you have a great deal of self-worth, your life will never hinge on another person. Never make the other your oxygen tube for a happy existence. Make your life purpose and sharing your life with the other a joy rather than an obligation.
When you are together, if the other person is acting distant or different, you can say something like: “I want you to know that I care if there is anything bothering you. And if there’s something bothering you with respect to me, I want you to feel safe that you can let me know, no matter what it is, and we can address it honestly with each other.”
This lets the person know that you are strong enough and open enough to listen, even if it might be to something you may not want to hear. If they think you’re going to crumble, and they are your world, chances are that they will avoid telling you something that they think might crush you. If you let them know that they can talk honestly, and it’s all okay, chances are greater that they will share anything that may be bothering them with respect to you. More than anything, be their genuine friend, at all stages of a relationship. Then you can each share authentically, with full respect for each other’s feelings, and you can clear the air at any time, honestly.
QUESTION:
How do you determine early in a relationship if there is a great chance for success? The reason for my question is this: I have been in a relationship for close to six years, and my significant other decided to break things off. She says it’s because she has a fear of commitment. How could I have seen or known this earlier?
ANSWER:
The truth is that we do not know if a relationship is going to last forever. If a person has commitment issues and shows that right from the start, then there is nothing you can do or say to change the other person. Trust me on this. I tried it for four years in String Along Valley. Moreover, if you were with a person and decided that you did not want to continue the relationship or share the rest of your life with her, you would have every right to follow your truth. She simply did what she wanted to do, and by doing so she opened the door for you to attract someone into your life who is looking for all you are.
It’s usually a gift when people leave our lives. I learned a saying: “When the universe says no, that means there is a better yes for us on the way!
Next time, you will be able to look over the string along warning signs, and that will help you notice a lot more in the beginning of a relationship that you may not have been aware of previously.
By Barbara Rose, Ph.D.Relationship Rescue - 3 Secrets to Rescue Your Relationship
Help! I need to rescue my relationship today!
Here are 3 ideas you can use to save your marriage or love relationship:
1. Make an appointment with a relationship doctor!
Relationship rescue can be complex so consult the relationship doctors, gurus and experts that have studied successful relationships and know what you need to do to get save your relationship. You don't have to go to marriage counselling unless you both have agreed that is the last hope for you. Simply make use of the great books, courses and websites that are out there that teach you how to have a blissful relationship.
2. Remember your vows!
If you are wanting to save your marriage relationship, start by recalling your vows. You made a promise to eachother. Now, it's time to start honoring that promise big time. You may even have to break a sweat to do it! But just re-establish your love relationship as your primary value. Make it all important. And start doing those things that you intuitively know already that make relationships work. The love commitment that you made to each other offers the clues to what you need to do for relationship rescue:
How To Make Your Relationship Last Forever
Do you realize that it is perfectly possible for you to have a relationship that lasts forever? And a relationship that is not just normal, or struggling, but that is consistently great. I believe that you can have a relationship where you are soul mates with your partner, and in love, and that you can have this over many many years until your are finally separated by death.
I call such a relationship, a “lifelong soul mate” relationship.
I know that you hope for such a lifelong soul mate relationship, but I suspect that you believe that it is only possible for you in some abstract kind of way. You may even believe that such a relationship is not possible outside of fairy tales.
In this, the first of three articles, I share with you that it is possible for you to have a lifelong soul mate relationship. Not only is it possible, but also it is relatively simple to achieve this, providing certain simple rules are followed.
In my second article I share with you what you have to do. In my third article I share with you what you must avoid doing. As you will see, a lifelong soul mate relationship need not be difficult at all.
With regard to achieving a soul mate relationship all people can be divided into three categories. These are: (1) those in relationships that will never become lifelong soul mate relationships, (2) those in relationships that can become lifelong soul mate relationships, and (3) those currently not in a relationship.
(1) Relationships that will never become lifelong soul mates.
No matter how much you want your relationship to work, if your partner does not want it to work, then it won’t. As the saying goes, it takes two to tango. Many people actually do not want to be a lifelong soul mate, preferring instead a much lesser relationship. If your partner is one of these, you have a simple choice to make, Settle for a relationship that falls far short of being a lifelong soul mate relationship, or get a new relationship. The choice is yours. The rules for having a lifelong soul mate relationship will help you judge your current relationship to see if there is any possibility of it becoming such a relationship.
(2) Those relationships that have the potential to become lifelong soul mate relationships.
These are relationships where both parties are committed to the relationship, committed to a future together, and both are interested in deepening the relationship. The chances of this type of relationship becoming a lifelong soul mate relationship are good. And remember the rules for achieving this relationship are easy to follow.
(3) Those that are not currently in a relationship
For those that are not yet in a relationship the lifelong soul mate rules can be used to judge any prospective partner, increasing the likelihood that any relationship that you are about to enter into will be a lifelong soul mate relationship.
By Damian MilesFriday, July 17, 2009
4 Myths About Creating a Better Relationship
Myth 1 I have to love everything about my partner
Reality Check 1
You were born pure and pristine. You then learnt behaviors from your parents, teacher, coaches, church etc. (who did their best to teach you about a better relationship). These behaviors have become the backbone for your way of living and having a better relationship.
Perhaps a common behavior that irritates having a better relationship would be leaving the toilet seat up after use. This is merely a behavior and not the essence of the person. However, when you may consider this behavior to be the person, this destroys the concept of a better relationship, creating all kinds of conflict in your need for a better relationship.
Myth 2 Love means that I can fix your partner
Reality Check 2
You met your partner because of some special quality or charteristic that you admired. You need to accept and allow that quality to flourish in order to allow you and your partner to grow into a better relationship.
You may be unaware that you do not even like yourself. Yet by allowing your partner to grow and expand, you will experience the quality of your partner and the beauty within you, as you begin to enjoy a better relationship.
Myth 3
I am supposed to give up the things I like in order to be in a better relationship.
Reality Check 3
Giving up the things you like to be in a better relationship is like take a knife and cutting away a part of yourself. Your better relationship is based on the uniqueness of you and your partner.
When you give up your uniqueness you rob yourself of a better relationship, your passion and your partner of your creativity.
Myth 4 I will be rescued by a knight in shining armour
Reality Check 4
You may have been conditioned to live your life expecting someone to take care of you. What happens if that person becomes ill? and is no longer able to take care of you.
Your responsibility in creating a better relationship, is to bring your passion to the table of your relationship. Some days you will be the knight in shining armour and another day your partner will be the knight in shining armour of a better relationship. You will each get a chance to shine like star in a better relationship because of your strengths and weaknesses.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)