The first step in creating the relationship of your dreams with your loved one is believing it is possible. Fifteen years ago when I met my partner - this is all I had i.e. an idealistic belief that there must be a way for our relationship to get better and better everyday. Miraculously, after 15 years of ups and downs (and much soul searching), our relationship is consistently beyond my wildest dreams. Below I'll share with you the simple yet powerful tools and perspectives that I have used to help myself and others transform the quality of their relationships.
Stop trying to change or blame your partner.
The key to taking your relationship with your partner to a 10 out of 10 and beyond is accepting that the quality of your relationship has nothing to do with your partner or how much you "love each other". The quality of your relationship is reliant on 3 sets of beliefs.
These are:
1) Your beliefs about your partner.
2) Your beliefs about yourself in relationship with your partner
3) Your beliefs about the relationship" itself.
Once we realise it's our beliefs not our partner that needs to change - our journey becomes far simpler more fruitful.
What are beliefs and how they determine the quality of your relationship.
Beliefs are feelings/thoughts/assumptions about the world that we embody. The reason beliefs have such a powerful effect on our relationships (and our whole life experience) is they determine the way we think, feel and respond to any situation. As a result we then attract people and experiences which verify and strengthen our beliefs. This process is quite wonderful and miraculous provided we are aware that this is what is happening.
One of the most powerful aspects of beliefs is how they effect our emotions in our relationship. Let's say for example a woman has a belief that she is not lovable or attractive. Their partner comes home from work exhausted and distracted and flops on the couch without hugging her or showing any affection. Because deep down she has this fear of being unlovable she reacts by immediately feeling unappreciated and hurt. To protect herself from this pain she withdraws from her partner further or makes some hurtful comment to "pay him back" for the hurt that he has just seemingly inflicted...on so a downward spiral begins.
If we take a step back from this scenario for a moment we can see that this woman's painful emotions had nothing to do with her partner's behaviour. They had to do with the interpretation of her partner's behaviour which in turn was based on her belief about herself being unlovable and attractive.
Now imagine if this woman was 100% convinced that she was a gorgeous, attractive goddess. If her partner came home distracted and flopped on the couch how would she interpret this differently? I'm guessing that she would simply see that her partner was tired and distracted - as result she might simply remind him he forgot to hug and adore his gorgeous attractive wife, or maybe she would simply sidle up lovingly beside him and ask him how his day was.
In my own relationship I used to have a belief that I was not worthy of respect. This meant every time my wife forgot something I requested - like putting the lid on the compost bin - I withdrew and fumed until finally I blurted out her heinous crime angrily!! All the anger I created had nothing to do with her forgetting my request, it had to do with me believing I wasn't worthy of respect and consequently interpreting her behaviour as a sign of "disrespect". Once I let go of this belief, my loved one's forgetfulness became a "non-issue", and consequently she began to remember more!
How to begin taking your relationship to a 10 out of 10:
Step 1. Once a week name and replace any limiting beliefs about yourself, your partner and your relationship. Grab a piece of paper and pen:
a) Write down any limiting beliefs about yourself with respect to your relationship e.g. Begin each sentence with I am .... And see what comes out e.g. I'm unlovable, unworthy, guilty, I've done something wrong etc. The key is to not think about or judge what you are writing, just let it flow.
b) Once you've written them down, smile at your beliefs and ask whether they serve you or not. If not take a moment to breathe and let them go until the belief no longer feels true at all.
c) Once you've let go of your belief make a decision to replace it with another which empowers you and supports you realizing the relationship of your dreams. E.g. My partner is exceptionally caring, considerate and supportive.
d) Take a moment to raise your level of conviction in your new beliefs until they feel true. Remember we need to embody our new beliefs not just "think about them."
e) Now follow the same process for replacing your limiting beliefs about your partner and your relationship e.g. My partner is....; My relationship is....
When my clients initially go through this process they have difficulty in letting go beliefs which they feel are "factual" e.g. my partner is lazy and unhelpful. They are thinking of all the unhelpful, lazy evidence they've accumulated over the years. By choosing to let go of this belief you are also choosing to let go of focusing on the old evidence and instead focusing on all the wonderful, helpful things they have done.
Another block some people experience in the above process is thinking that they can't simply let go of their beliefs and replace them with another. This is just another limiting belief which you can let go of if you choose.
Step 2. Accept that regardless of what mistakes you or your partner makes you are both only ever worthy of love and respect.
Make a decision to love your partner unconditionally and request that they do the same. This means agreeing with one another regardless of what mistakes either of you make and how drastic, silly, unnecessary and selfish they are, that you will both always treat one another with love and respect. Agree to remind each other of this and apologise when one of you forgets.
Step 3. Celebrate every time you feel unhappy in your relationship as an opportunity to name and replace limiting beliefs.
Often when we experience unpleasantness in our relationships we immediately start worrying, judging or blaming. Instead try the following. When something goes "wrong" in your relationship - celebrate it as an opportunity to name and replace your limiting beliefs. The most enlightening questions to ask in any situation that is undesirable is "what belief is supporting this thought, emotion, or experience. Write it down and go through the process in Step 1. This is especially true of our emotions. Whenever you feel sad, hurt, rejected, betrayed etc. instead of blaming your partner simply find a quiet space and ask what belief is supporting this emotion and let it go. So much confusion and stress is caused in our relationships by trying to keep our partner happy or trying to blame them for our unhappiness. When we let go of this absurdity our relationship and life becomes much simpler
Step 4. Practice falling in love on a daily basis.
Over time many couples think they "know" their partner. As soon as we think we know our partner romance dies. In reality our partner, ourselves and our relationship are way beyond "understanding". Every day you, your partner and your relationship is evolving in mysterious ways. Embracing this mystery keeps the relationship truly alive. It also means you need to continually take your partner on "dates", setting up intimate moments so that you can continue to get to know this amazing person.
Another way to continually fall in love on a daily basis is finding out how your partner loves to be loved and acting on this. Likewise share with your partner how you love to be loved. Often times, we end up expressing our love to our partner in the way we want to be loved and vice-versa which does not serve us well as neither partner ends up truly satisfied.
By Dixon R Hammer
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