The Heart Moves On - Using Ceremony to Mark the End of a Relationship

Divorce or the end of a long-term relationship is a particularly difficult experience because it makes you deal with two different sets of issues.

• Issues of endings, separation, and letting go (disappointment, anger, sadness, fear and trying to achieve closure)
• Issues of acceptance, forgiveness, becoming open to new beginnings and new possibilities.

A Divorce/End of Relationship Ceremony can give a boost to that process. The difference between a divorce ceremony and an end-of-relationship ceremonies is largely timing. In Australia, which has no-fault divorce dependent only on a period of separation, the relationship has formally ended quite some time before the divorce becomes final. Either ceremony is an appropriate way to mark the end of your relationship with ritual and ceremony.

Whichever you choose, if the ceremony is properly performed, it will have a deep spiritual content which will increase your sense of belonging. In the context of human behaviour it is the emotions that matter. The process of preparing for the ceremony, and the ceremony itself, supports positive emotions at a time of transition from one state of being to another by having a positive impact on the subconscious. A positive ceremony alleviates anxiety about the capacity to live separate lives, and steers the emotions away from self-recrimination to celebration of growth and learning.

Some couples choose to have a divorce ceremony once the relationship has legally ended with the granting of a divorce. But I find that, given the opportunity, couples may choose to acknowledge the end of the relationship sometime during the initial period of separation, way before the formal proceedings have started. This can be very helpful where there are children of the relationship because in a formal way the parents' continued commitment to those children is made clear, and the children are formally absolved of blame for the breakdown in the marriage. (Many children do blame themselves and this needs to be addressed).

There are two types of Divorce/End of Relationship Ceremony. Where the former partners can be respectful of each other and can put their differences aside to focus on the needs of their children, the ceremony may be seen as a positive step towards separation. Vows may be retracted and formal statement of support for each other and for the children are made. This is particularly helpful as children often believe that they are the cause of the break-up, and a formal, public ceremony in which the former partners stress that their split does not mean a change in their relationship with the children can be very helpful.

The second type of ceremony, where only one partner is involved, is more akin to a funeral. The good parts of the relationship are eulogised and steps are taken to help the 'surviving party' to move on.

Ultimately however, your ceremony outcomes depend on the skill of your celebrant.

If you are planning a ceremony to mark the end of a relationship, I urge you to focus on two things:

• healing the wounds of the breakdown of the relationship, and
• moving on.

I have been horrified to see examples of "post-divorce" ceremonies which were virtually undistinguishable from black magic, including sticking pins in an effigy of a spouse, or burying a coffin contain a photo of the ex-spouse.

I frankly refuse to conduct ceremonies where the potential client wants every person present to make a negative statement about the ex-spouse. Some celebrants are not quite so fussy, going along with this, though some may refuse to allow children of the marriage to make a negative statement against their mother or father. Nonetheless, the child is there and hears the statements, which will cause distress and is potentially harmful.

When you approach a celebrant to conduct an end-of-relationship or divorce ceremony, be aware that the role of the celebrant is not to be a substitute counsellor, but to be a facilitor, using his or her skills in working with people at a time of heightened emotions.

The process of developing your ceremony should result in a ceremony that enables you to:

• say goodbye to the past relationship
• acknowledge and celebrate what was good in that relationship and the growth each party underwent during and as a result of the relationship
• affirm your values
• express appreciation
• move through the transitional phrase between being half of a couple and being a single person

By Jennifer Cram

Relationship Tune Up - 7 Key Points to Avoid a Break Up or Break Down

"Every three months or 3,000 miles."

That's how the sticker in the left upper corner
of my windshield reads.

It's a matter of common knowledge that we are supposed to maintain, service, and tune up our cars if we want them to run well and last.

In my experience, it rarely occurs to us to do the same thing with our love relationships.

More and more of the couples I see are not in need of long term therapy, they are more in need of a short term relationship tune up.

7 Key Points

What first attracted you to each other? - This is the first question I ask most couples because it helps to be reminded that your partner has some great qualities that led you to want to be in this relationship.

What are some of the strengths of your relationship? - Instead of all the things that are wrong with your relationship, what I want to know is what are some of the strengths of the relationship upon which we can build in order to solve the problems with which they are struggling.

When have you been the closest? - One of the easiest ways to tune up your relationship is to do the things you were doing when you were the closest.

You may have noticed that the first 3 questions were all focused on positives in the relationship.

This is done on purpose. One of the dangers of traditional marriage counseling is a focus on what is wrong or defective with an individual or the relationship. One of the many benefits of relationship coaching is a focus on using the strengths in the relationship to build up the areas where the relationship is weak.

What are your partner's emotional needs and what are your own? - If you do not know, hear are the two crucial questions to ask:

1) In order to feel loved by me, what do you need to feel in our relationship?

2) What are some ways I can meet those needs?

What is your partner's love language and what is yours? - Some folks need to hear it, some folks need to see it, and some folks need to feel it.

How do the two of you "do conflict?" - Conflict in a relationship is inevitable. Fighting is optional.

What is your vision for your relationship? - Without a vision, a relationship can perish. Here are a few questions most couples never take the time to even think about, much less ask:

1) If we could design our relationship any way we wanted, how would we like it to be?

2) What goals do we have for our relationship?

By Jeff Herring

Stop Being the String Along: A Relationship Guide to Being THE ONE

Ultimately, you want a partner you can be your true self with, a partner who will treat you with love and respect.

The subconscious social conditioning we receive to get or capture another causes us to fail and to string ourselves along, while we simultaneously hide our real selves. This robs both people equally of the opportunity to get to know, love, and care for each other, while maintaining a solid sense of self.

* Being Equals

It does not matter if you are male or female, nor does it matter what your sexual preferences are. The only thing that matters is that you view yourself and the other person as fully equal human beings.

This means that your preferences and standards are equally as important as the other person’s. As a result, they are equally respected.
This means that compromising your integrity or the other person’s integrity is not an option.

Games and manipulation are not an option. Do you like it when someone plays games and tries to manipulate you? Of course not. Therefore, trying to manipulate the other person must never even be considered.

Equals do not engage in a power play. There must be mutual respect. You must care enough about the other person’s feelings to dare to be honest; and you must be honest even if you feel scared or fear that stating your truth might be hurtful to the other, as long as your motive is pure and comes from your heart.

It is the heart center within each person that ties us all together. Both men and women have feelings, and those feelings deserve to be honored at the expense of no one.

Being Who You Are and True to Yourself

In a relationship, being The One means being who you are, and sharing yourself honestly and genuinely with the other person.

This honesty requires the courage to speak your truth, even if you fear rejection. It means that you stop holding back out of fear and start expressing your feelings kindly and graciously. What matters most is that you express your truth. Holding back your truth out of fear robs you of the ability to share your true self with the other, and it robs the other person of the opportunity to really know who you are, how you feel, what you think, and what you want.

Stifling your truth causes the relationship to break down. It causes the relationship to stagnate or slowly deteriorate. At all stages of a relationship, from the first meeting through decades of being together, sharing your truth will never hurt you. Withholding your truth, however, will always hurt both you and the relationship.

When you share your interests, talents, essence, and life purpose with the other person, he receives the gift of getting to know the incredible being that you are. You must find the courage to show your authentic self; you must risk daring to be the real you.

If you fear loss, ultimately you lose your sense of self. Once you lose your self-worth, you begin to slowly deteriorate. Then, sadly, the relationship naturally follows that same downward spiral. On the flip side, taking a risk to share your genuine feelings, thoughts, and preferences will bring authentic truth into the relationship, and you can both thrive. But if you are not suited for each other, then it is better to part rather than string yourself or the other person along out of any sort of fear.

Don’t you want to know the truth about what the other person feels and thinks? Well, the other person deserves to know the same about you.
If you receive a phone call, do not act indifferent, as if you just received a call from a telemarketer. If you are happy to hear from him or her, simply say, “I’m happy to hear from you” or “It’s good to hear from you.” Say the truth. People want to be liked and appreciated; they don’t want to be treated like yesterday’s newspaper.

If the other person says or does something that you really do not like, say, “When you said that, I felt hurt” or “When you did that, I felt rejected, and it would be so great if you would have done this instead.”

If you let the person know, in the moment, when he does or says something that upsets you, you will simply communicate your truth graciously and, at the same time, let him know what you would prefer instead. You don’t need to create a dramatic scene. Simply and calmly state your truth, and show your respect for the other person by letting him know what you would prefer, rather than expecting him to read your mind.

Only you can read your mind. You must communicate clearly so that you can have clarity rather than ambiguity within the relationship. If you’re walking on eggshells, promptly stand in your truth and muster up the courage to be real enough to state what is on your mind. This will open the door to clear communication. If the person genuinely wants to be with you, your authenticity will only help by giving him the opportunity to open up and be authentic with you in return.

If your truth leads to a breakup, wouldn’t you rather have someone in your life who really wants to be with you? Do you really prefer to walk on eggshells, putting up with words and behaviors that are far less than what you deserve?

This is your choice. You can choose to string yourself or the other along, but in the end, this choice only diminishes your self-esteem.

The greatest way to enhance your self-esteem is to be true to yourself on all levels of your life. This will naturally be reflected in how truthful you are with the other person. Whether you stay together or not, at least your relationship will be authentic. It’s always much better to go with the truth in your heart and soul. You can never go wrong with the truth.

* Taking the Games Out of Relationships

People don’t want to be with others who are pining away for them, willing to sacrifice their truth, integrity, and self-esteem just to go along out of fear of rocking the boat or losing the relationship. Nobody truly wants a doormat.

Neither the person who gets stomped on nor the person who does the stomping enjoys a fulfilling, rewarding relationship that contributes great joy to life.

Nobody wins in a string along relationship. Everybody wins when you are both equally The One.

To attract, thrive, and share a life with The One, to grow together, you have to be The One at all times, with zero games.

Being The One means you do not settle. You refuse to settle because you know your worth. You refuse to manipulate just to get what you want by deception of any kind; you have too much integrity to lower yourself by playing manipulation games. You have too much self-love to sacrifice your truth. You have too much self-honesty to keep quiet out of fear. You care too much for the other as an equal member of the human race to even consider asking him to sacrifice his truth just to please you.

If there are difficulties in the relationship, you must sit down together and share from your hearts everything that is upsetting to you, with each person receiving equal time on center stage to share his feelings, and with a shared desire to come to a mutually agreeable solution.

If you have tried many times to work it out, and you genuinely feel that there is no relationship left that resembles the kind you really desire and deserve, then peacefully walk out of the relationship. Then you can both attract new partners who you can have a mutually satisfying relationship with.

The One doesn’t even consider manipulative games or sacrificing self-truth to appease the other, and doesn’t keep the status quo out of a martyred sense of self-denial.

View yourself and the other person purely as equal members of the human race. Have a life or create a life that you are passionate about so that you can share who you really are with the other.

Show your real feelings. State your real feelings. If you’re not sure of your real feelings, simply say so. If you feel scared, it’s okay to say that. This openness creates a platform for authentic intimacy, in which it is safe to share your truth. The other person might very well react with relief because you have the courage to be real instead of hiding behind a façade, pretending to be what you think you’re supposed to be in order to gain approval.

The only approval and validation you ever need can come only from within you. Far too many people tiptoe around learned cultural rules and regulations to “capture” the other person. How about being the real you so that the other person has an opportunity to get to know who you are and what you’re all about.

You don’t have to go overboard to prove how lovable and incredible you are. The key to taking the games out of relationships is to stop playing head games with yourself, trying to figure out how you can “get” or “keep” the other person. The key is in getting and keeping your own life, and seeing the other person as a part of your life rather than your central focus. Don’t just pretend to be busy—be passionately absorbed in your life! Don’t just say you’re not available; be available when you can be, but honor the other priorities in your life. Waiting by the phone is not a priority.

If you focus on the other person as the be-all and end-all of your life purpose, then do yourself a big favor: take that focus and place it on becoming your best self and on contributing your best to this world. Then, when you are genuinely available to see the other person, see him and have a blast. If you feel like sending flowers, send them. If you’re in a relationship and you both want it to thrive, it’s okay for a woman to do something kind for a guy, and vice versa, as long as kindness is reciprocated. The relationship must be equal on all levels. If it’s not, why are you still in it? If you’re being taken for granted, leave. If you’re being treated the way you have always wanted to be treated, then treat the other person the same way. Take the male-female games out of the equation. Games may work for a short time, but they never make for a healthy, authentic relationship. In the end, games don’t work.

If you think you have to put on an act or cover up your true self, then it’s time to ask yourself what you are so afraid of. Usually the answer is that you’re afraid the real you is not lovable. To counter that, be who you really are.

If you make truth the rule of thumb on all levels, you cannot go wrong. If you need more solitude, simply say so. If you would like to see the other person more, it’s okay to say, “I have such an awesome time with you. It would be great if I could see you more.” Then, trust your instincts about the response you get. If the other person is swamped, then understand. If you’re picking up signals that you sense are nonsense, then honor what your smart intuition is telling you, and get busy with your own life, with zero complaints. Someone can be busy but still call. Someone can be out of town and still send flowers. Someone who really cares shows it. Moreover, when you really care about you, you can show it to yourself by the excitement you put into your own life, and by sharing your activities with the other person when you do get together.

Stop worrying so much if you are “getting it right.” Be your shining self.

Stop worrying if you are going to “mess everything up.” Be honest.

Stop worrying about who should be chasing whom. Share your authentic self.

Stop settling for less than you deserve. State what you prefer.

Stop compromising your integrity. Deal truthfully with the other person on all levels.

Stop wasting your time trying to capture the other person. Let your life purpose capture you.

By Barbara Rose, Ph.D.

Taking the True Relationship Test

If you have ever read teen magazines you will be familiar with the myriad tests they offer their readers. You can find out everything from which type of jelly bean you are to which celebrity is your soul mate. But what about the relationship test that purports to tell you whether you and your spouse or companion are compatible? After twenty multiple choice questions the test tells you to either keep them around or dump them.

The fact of the matter is that no relationship test can truly analyze all of the factors that indicate whether a relationship will or won't work. Personality specialists emphasize that each personality type has different strengths and weaknesses and that any two types of personalities can be happily married their whole lives, so long as they are aware of their differences and work hard to make their marriage a success.

The True Relationship Test

My mother had a rule that we couldn't complain about something she cooked until after we had tried it. The principle she was trying to teach was - the best way to figure out if you like something is to try it.

The best relationship test to take is life - try it out for while. Who cares if a magazine quiz says the planets aren't aligned for you and your mate. If you are dating and you're happier than ever, keep it up. And even if a magazine tells you that you have found your soul mate, but you are unhappy or the relationship is abusive, get out of it.

Passing the Test

For anybody that has been in a relationship longer than a couple of weeks, you know that life isn't always peaches and cream. Tough times come, habits starts to annoy, and personalities clash. Don't throw away a great relationship just because your knight in shining armor happens to snore. Follow these tips to strengthen a great relationship or work on strengthening a struggling one.

• Communicate, communicate, communicate. While many people don't have a problem expressing accurately their feelings or emotions, some people do. That is not an excuse, however, to not share with your partner what you're thinking or feeling. If you fail to communicate your relationship will suffer.
• Spend time together. Don't justify spending only 15 minutes a day with your spouse by calling it quality time. Quality is important, but quantity time is especially crucial with regards to relationships. Make sacrifices and spend time together.
• Be 100% loyal. Your commitment to the success of your relationship cannot be complete if you are flirting or otherwise involved with another person besides your spouse. If you have a problem with this, now is the time make changes in your life. If you suspect that a child may be yours, DNA relationship tests are available to help determine your relationship to a child. Take responsibility for your actions.

No matter what any magazine tells you, if you want to make your relationship work, it will take time, effort, and loyalty. Put your relationship to the real test by trying for success. By Nick Smith

CRM Business Relationship

A business relationship is different from any other kind of relationship, being a personal or a social relationship. However, to understand what a business relationship means, it is necessary to identify what a relationship is.

A relationship is according to the Oxford Advanced Learner’s Dictionary “a connection between things”. A different definition is that it “is a memory of past interactions”. Both definitions say something about a relationship even though that they do not say exactly the same. However, the definitions do not differ between business relationships and personal relationships, which is important because there is a different objective between the two kinds of relationships. Therefore, a business relationship can be defined as:

“A bond based on a rational objective, which is to do business with each other”.

However, as the interaction between the two actors increases, a certain relationship evolves and the knowledge about the other part is increased. Together they create a combined understanding and view of reality. The more common output of the relationship is a decrease in transaction costs, as transactions becomes routinely and the bond between the two companies is strengthening.

By Rasmus Nielsen

Are You Really Ready For a Relationship?

So often I hear, I want a boyfriend, I’m married but I’m not happy. I just got divorced and I don’t want to make the same mistake again. When will I find someone? It occurred to me recently that in order to be in a relationship that works, it’s necessary to be ready to enter one. I know that sounds really simple, but if we look at our national divorce rate, you can see that it is not simple. In fact, I seriously doubt that many people consider their readiness for marriage or relationship of any sort. I think the average scenario goes something like this. He is attracted to how she looks. She is attracted to his energy and productivity. They start dating and eventually she thinks it might be a good idea to get married. He goes along because he is sure it’s going to get him regular sex and then all their friends and relatives get excited about their wedding. They have a big celebration and then they start to realize there is more to marriage than living together. Please forgive me for the offensive simplification of this scenario. It is merely an illustration.

My awareness heightened when I began working with clients who were in a state of chaos. They were in various stages of post relationship survival. Their finances were in a shambles. Some were broken hearted, with no self-esteem, out of work, wondering what to do about their rent and utilities payments and seeking coaching about their relationships. Many, I think, were planning on having a new relationship rescue him/her from impending disaster. I started to think about parameters for readiness in relationship. What specific standards and status should be the baseline? What exactly constitutes readiness? What is definite is that nothing is definite. So where do we start?

First is desire. The desire to be part of something is manifested in relationship. You can’t be “in” relationship unless you want to be. Partnership demands a serious time commitment, one on one conversations, planning, dating, socializing, compromising, making love, having sex, playing, working, sleeping, having children and raising them, shopping, cleaning house. Granted, some of these things you would do even if you were not in relationship. However, once you are seriously committed, as in living together, every one of the above -mentioned tasks involves agreement and participation by both partners.

Even prior to living together, finding someone you are willing to try being in relationship with is practically a full time job. So many of the people that I talk with in my work, tell me, I just don’t have the energy to go through the process of dating and getting to know someone well enough to feel comfortable being authentic and intimate. Don’t you agree that many people settle for what they have, even if unsatisfying, because it’s just too much work to change it?

Those that I have coached all the way to marriage and beyond have been serious about getting married. They wanted it, they were willing to do whatever it takes to find and enroll the right partner. They also do whatever it takes to maintain the level of passion and intimacy, production and appetite that are necessary to sustain a healthy, vibrant, satisfying relationship. In other words, they do not assume that once you are in a “marriage” or “committed relationship” that IT will take care of itself.

One seemingly unrelated concept that has forever been an annoyance has to do with loan applications. Bear with me on this. Whenever you submit a loan or credit application, the first response of the lender is to check your credit and your financial picture. If it appears that you need money for any reason, the likelihood of approval for financing is almost nil. However, if you appear financially stable with plenty of unused credit and a steady job and money in savings, every financial institution is clamoring to lend you money. So how does this relate?

It is my opinion, that love and relationship operate in the same way. Let’s say you go to the love bank and ask for a boyfriend/girlfriend, a serious one perhaps leading to marriage. The love bank manager takes a look at you and says. You work too much, you spend all of your money, your credit cards are maxed-out, you have diminished self esteem and a broken heart from the last one, you’re physically and emotionally bankrupt, and you don’t trust anyone. REJECTED!!! Now, you are really in need of someone to save you so you continue looking at all of the B and C rated love lenders, bars, pick up joints, work, internet dating services, personal ads until you find someone who is as needy as you are. You need someone to rebuild your self-esteem and reassure you that you are indeed lovable.

WRONG!!!!!

Although I have never been fond of credit reporting agencies and the use of their information by lending institutions, there is some validity in their strategy that is applicable to relationship coaching. In order to be ready for a serious relationship, one must achieve the following:

1. Desire to be in relationship

2. Self – esteem. Know that you are attractive and have something to offer another person.

3. Financial stability. At least enough income to take care of your housing and basic needs and minimal credit card debt.

4. Work. A job that satisfies some of your achievement needs.

5. Vulnerability. Enough healing that you are able to share your authentic self with this person.

6. Love. An abundance for yourself with enough left over to share with another person.

By Susan Sheppard

How to Resolve Relationship Problems

Most Common Relationship Problems For Couples.

Many couples think that their relationship problems are uniquely their own but there are actually a lot of people who have similar problems with them. There are a lot of relationship problems that plague couples in a romantic relationship. Unfortunately, nobody ever taught us how to deal with relationships. We just need to learn from trial and error. I have lived through quite a few relationships, and somehow managed to hold on.

External Issues That Affect the Problem.

Many relationship problems that plague couples are outside factors that interfere with their relationship such as friends and family. Keeping things pleasant makes the problems you had before seem not so important. It's often a good idea to tell your partner that you're guilty of taking him or her for granted. Don't expect them to admit that they took you for granted, at least not yet.

Many friends might resent the fact that their friend is spending more and more time with the new boyfriend or girlfriend. This is a common relationship problem, especially for individuals who are close with a group of single individuals. This is also a common relationship problem that may originate from the family of the individual in a relationship. Some parents want their child, especially those still under their wings to stay close to home and spend time with them. Other parents may resent the fact that their child is closer to another individual outside of the family.Time management is essential for relationship problems like these. Both individuals in a relationship should be aware that a healthy relationship includes spending time with other people such as friends and family members not just with each other.

Outside factors that may turn out to be sources of relationship problems are school and work. These two may interfere with the time one spends with their partner who may then feel left out or abandoned when school or work gets hectic. The individual needs to explain very clearly to the partner precisely what can be expected from his or her school or work schedule.

Problems Within the Relationship.

More common sources of relationship problems are individual tastes, preferences, priorities and principles. Many people have a difficult time adjusting to other people when it comes to opinions, preferences and principles. It may take some patience and perseverance as well as some out and out grit to get used to some things that your partner may like and prefer. Differences in opinions such as in politics, sports, religion and ideals may well be sources of relationship problems, which can actually sabotage a relationship. The first advice is that you can both accept that there are problems that need to be handled in your relationship. These problems and issues need to be brought into the open and discussed amongst both partners. Seek advice on how these problems can be identified; and addressed in ways that are mutually acceptable. Compromise has already saved millions of relationships and this must be openly discussed between partners when there is conflict.

It takes two partners to make an argument happen. Both partners in a relationship need complete communication and interaction. If contact stops, then the reasons must be investigated. This means starting a conversation with your partner allowing them to open up so that you can analyze where the difficulty lies, and then take the right steps to repair the damage or rift. Listening is foremost in communication, and understanding what you are hearing runs a close second. Your will be able to pick up hints and get ideas of where damage control is necessary.Tact and a little give and take may be necessary to resolved relationship problems of this nature. The couple needs to work out what works for them when it comes to relationship problems and not immediately give up at the first sign of a hiccup.

By Noel Lillis

Quality of Your Relationship is Your Responsibility

We are always upgrading our skills. When we are born we know how to cry and how to sleep. We feel hungry and we cry, then someone feeds us and we sleep. As the months go by we learn to recognize faces and know who is useful to us. How we respond to them depends on how they respond to us. Some of those learnings we abandon as they are no more useful to us, some we keep as they help us on our onward march towards fulfilling our potential - though we are not always very accomplished in making those choices.

When Microsoft introduced the Vista, I changed over as it seemed fashionable to have the latest operating system on my new laptop. However, I did not find much use for the same as I was not conversant with the system. It resulted in many crashes, frustrations and sometimes anger. As time went by, I realized that the only way I could handle the new Vista OS was by upgrading my relationship with the Vista. So I took some training, read some manuals, did some practice and got to learn all the finer details about the program. What would have happened if I had waited for the Vista to get used to me? What if I had said that I need to wait till MS fixes the Vista until it is completely user friendly? I would have had to either go back to my old ways (the XP) or lost the use of my laptop.

Transitions come in our relationships as they come in our material and physical life. The same way that we have to master the environment when our physical environment changes or our material environment changes, we also have to change when there are transitions in our lives due to changes in relationship dynamics. How often, do we lose the opportunity to upgrade our relationships, because we silently plead for change in the other to respond to our needs? To quote, "Happiness is not getting what we want; it is appreciating what we have". How often, do we say to ourselves, I am going to upgrade myself so that I can meet the expectation of the other, rather than telling the other to upgrade to meet my expectations? As with the MS Vista we have to put in the time and energy to upgrade our relationship, if we wish them to be meaningful.

Just think back to the days of your primary education. I still remember when our son Srujan at the age of four wrote the numerals 1 to 21 and then the first 2 of 22, and got stuck for three days on how to write the second 2 of 22. It took immense patience, frustration, some anger and shouting - for three days before he could unlock his mind to realize that the second 2 is the same as the first 2 in 22. Yet, when he got married at 22, he had no help at hand and had to put all his 2's together to make his own 22's, and I guess he has to do this all his life - otherwise he runs the risk of getting stuck at 22. What I am getting at is, we take years to learn the basics in school and yet we falter at every major step. With each failure we add a new experience to upgrade our learnings and skills until we succeed. When it comes to relationships, we get no training at all. If we do, they are mostly the toxic relationships of parents and elders - if there are any loving relationships there, they are conducted behind closed doors. When we succeed, it is because I am so smart, when we fail, it is because the other is so dumb. Sometimes we own up our faults, "Sorry, mate, this is who I am?" Sadly, we are unwilling to spend any time and energy to upgrade our skills to communicate and relate in our relationships. No wonder, after a few years there isn't anything left to communicate.

We all want a great and blissful relationship. Why do we shirk our responsibility to have that great relationship? Why do we refuse to upgrade our relationship skills to get what we want? What is the pain involved in upgrading? Why is that pain so great that we are constantly running away from the anticipated pleasure of attaining our goal of blissful relationship? Let us try to honestly answer some questions that may lead to an upgrade in our relationship with full responsibility with self, rather than the other.

1) What does it take to be an effective partner? What are the required skills?
There are no generic skills to be an effective partner. As much as individuals differ, relationships also differ. We get what we give is a good premise to start with. So ask - what skills do I need from my partner? What do they do that I like? What do they do that I do not like? What do they not do that I like? What do I want more of? What do I want less of? When you have some answers, reverse your position. Take those answers to be those given by you to your partner. Start to make them happen.

Make a list of all the complaints your partner has ever made of you. How many can you address immediately? How many do you need to work on until you can address them? How can you just do it, and not just be trying? What is stopping you from doing what is so glaringly expected of you? What will it take for you to share with your partner the reasons why you cannot comply?

We all have dominant response mechanisms. Some respond to s sense of touch, some auditory, some visual, some intellectual. What is your partner's dominant response style? Six key values, which we all have to some measure but rarely use - humility, wonder, compassion, empathy, authenticity and love if shown in ample measure can upgrade our relationship to the highest levels. The opposite values of arrogance, cynicism, judgmentality, alienation, deception and reification ( to treat a person as an object) downgrade our relationships to the bottom of the pit. A simple test is to keep a diary for one week, as to how often we use each of these values in our relationships and what responses they evoke.

2) What skills are already available and may only need some refinement?
All of us are equipped with most of the skills. Some of them have fallen by the wayside because of disuse. Some, we deliberately do not use - our belief systems come in the way. We have believed for eons that vulnerability is a weakness in relationship because it exposes the vulnerable to being taken advantage of . Now, just take a minute and think how many times vulnerability also helps to make things easier and enhance relationships. All skills are just skills - it is in their use, disuse and misuse that we come up short. All skills are also useful and not so useful in their context. Just because someone took advantage of our vulnerability at some time, does not mean that all people at all times will take advantage of our vulnerability. The trick is to find out what works in your relationship and practice them until it becomes a habit. Remember all habits are learned, Unlearning habits is also a learning. Learning new habits is also a learning. So just do more of what works, and less of what does not work.

3) What habits interfere with the quality of your relationship?
Most of us have habits. Some of them we are proud of, some we would like to put under the carpet and some we would like to work to eliminate. But, let someone else tell us that we need to change a habit and we are ready to fight to keep it. I have had this going on for thirty years and found an answer to it. I like to keep my things disorganized - there is an organization in my disorganization. I can find any of my papers and documents in a jiffy. My spouse is extremely organized. She must keep everything in place (whatever place means to her). That's it, every time she keeps things in place, I cannot find where I kept what I kept in my mind map. Two habits, the cause of many mishaps and frayed tempers and the end result is a downgraded relationship for many days after the event. I have learnt to not look for things which I can't find. This has reduced the tension of - "who ate my porridge" syndrome between us.

What about when I am told why do you look as if you are upset? That really pushes some buttons in me. I just flare when it is assumed that I am upset - now that just upsets me. However, this just devastates her, as she really is genuinely concerned when querying about my current mental state. This is a very common occurrence in relationships. A genuine query is taken as an affront and leads to many unwanted and unexpected consequences. This is how I deal with this kind of queries. First just cool it. Take a minute to understand what I am going through - self awareness exercise helps. Once I recognize the emotion, the next is to replace it with another emotion that will work to upgrade the relationship. Then I have to learn as to why I feel upset when something does not meet my standards. What does it do for me? What can I do differently? Who does feeling upset harm? Can I treat all intentions as good intentions? Ultimately how I deal with events is up to me.

4) Upgrading your relationship requires commitment of time - are you willing?
If your relationship is important, and you seriously mean to upgrade it, you just have to find the time. Often, we give this our last minute - if there is a last minute. The plates must be cleaned, the children must be in bed, the last bit of office work must be complete, the unfinished conversation, the TV and there are many other things to do. Often by the time we find time for our relationship, one or the other is too tired, bored or simply lost interest. One of the easiest things to do is to fix a schedule, much like a dentist's appointment to give your relationship a few minutes a day, a few hours a week.

5) Are you willing to learn newer skills to upgrade your relationship?
How many years did it take you to learn what you are now accomplished at? How did you acquire those skills? Most anyone would spend hours in the library going through the books, done tonnes of homework, had teachers to teach the fundamentals and practiced hard. Learning takes effort. So what about learning to know your partner? Are they as complicated as calculus or may be more. You will need the same skill sets, self-discipline and practice to know more about your partner. Are you ready to do the hard work? Think of learning from a coach, a mentor, books and reflective exercises. Then practice what works - do some home work.

By Sanjay Behuria

Red Flags - You're in a Committed Relationship With an Uncommitted Partner

Many relationships described by the individuals in the relationships as "committed relationships" often are, in reality, uncommitted.

While there are as many types of "committed relationships" as there are couples and individuals in partnerships, there appear to be three common characteristics that constitute a commitment:

1) Consistent intent to continue a relationship with a specific person;

2) Expressed willingness to do what is necessary to maintain the stability and longevity of a valued relationship; and

3) Observable behavior and actions that create satisfaction in the relationship

Intent, willingness and actions create a sense of "commitment" but the strength of the commitment varies depending on 1) individual capacity to act in a committed manner and (more importantly) 2) how the individual feels about being in the relationship.

Over the years, I have identified some common conscious and subconscious behaviours that can help you determine how your partner feels about being in the relationship. Hopefully these insights will inspire you do something about your "committed relationship" before the relationship falls apart -- irreconcilably.

1. Signs your partner FEELS NO DESIRE to be committed

-- Unlikely to express desire to maintain the relationship - even when pressured he or she will always find ways to avoid talking about personal commitment

-- Thinks other relationships are better and other couples are happier

-- Complains about lack of freedom to say and do what he or she wants to (and blames it on you)

-- Hardly follows up on promises -- even on very small things

-- Less inclined to actively work to develop a feeling of togetherness (does not feel there is need to)

-- More inclined to engage in opportunistic and even insulting or abusive behavior (and isn't bothered about how you feel about it)

-- Always puts personal interest above the relationship (you're not my No.1 attitude)

-- More inclined to actively and openly seek distractions outside of the relationship (work, affairs, adult entertainment, internet porn, addictions etc)

-- Unwilling and dismissive of any requests for emotional openness or closeness, time or effort

-- Committed only as long as the external pressure is present or as long as there are "personal benefits" to being in the relationship

-- Will at some point end the relationship or intentionally do something to make you end it

2. Signs your partner FEELS OBLIGATED -- morally or legally -- to act committed

-- Publically displays a desire to maintain the relationship but privately is reluctant to verbally express that desire

-- Thinks the relationship could be better if he or she had the freedom to say or do what he or she wants to

-- Invests time and effort in only agreed up on obligations and responsibilities -- and not more

-- Less inclined to actively work to develop a feeling of togetherness (thinks it's too much work for so little)

-- Occasionally puts personal interest above the relationship

-- Less inclined to engage in opportunistic behavior (not because he or she does not want to but because it will publically highlight his or her lack of commitment)

-- Puts more emphasis on obligations and responsibilities than on emotional openness and closeness (says things like, "I am here. Aren't I?", or "I did what I am supposed to do. What more do you want from me?")

-- Less inclined to date or have relationships with other men/women but may do so very discreetly if he or she strongly believes that it'll never be found out

-- Committed only as long as the "debt" remains unpaid

-- Could end the relationship or could become highly committed (but only when enthusiasm outweighs any sense of obligation or expectation)

3. Signs your partner FEELS INSPIRED and motivated to be committed

-- Privately expresses a desire to maintain the relationship but may or may not make his or her commitment public

-- Thinks you (and the relationship) are one of the best things in his/her life

-- Feels that he or she is an equal partner who has the freedom to say no or ask for what he or she wants

-- Invests self, time and effort in the growth and longevity of the relationship

-- Actively works to develop a balance between interdependence and togetherness

-- Less inclined to engage in opportunistic behavior

-- More likely to put the relationship above personal interest

-- Willing, open and excited about cultivating emotional openness and closeness (and open to seeking outside help, if necessary)

-- Less inclined to date or have relationships with other men/women (doesn't see the need to)

-- Unlikely to end the relationship, more likely to remain committed for a long time

Given the above scenario, it's wise to seek commitment in which the other person feels that he or she chose to be in the relationship, wants to be in the relationship and has a say in what happens now and in the future. But this should not just be "feel-good" therapy, commitment comes with negotiated responsibilities and expectations mutually acceptable to both of you at levels that you can both honor, fulfill and maintain over time. It is only within the context of this understanding that both of you can meaningfully act with each other's (and the relationship's) best interest at heart.

It's also important that even if the person feels that commitment is a personal private matter, he or she should also be willing to make his or her private commitment public. Making one's private intentions public helps to reduce any lingering ambiguity that can undermine the relationship's potential. Couples who make a commitment in public are more confident with each other and in their relationships.

But in attempting to inspire a commitment that is both personal and public, it's important to recognize that there are significant risks in doing so.

1. A commitment can not be in direct conflict with your partner's personal values or life goals. Any attempts to influence the other to give up his or her personal values, options, dreams and independence make it so hard for the commitment to be worthwhile or fulfilling.

2. A commitment should not feel extraneous or feel like being sent to an institution. Allow lots of room for your partner to express and exhibit their commitment publicly on their own.

3. A commitment shouldn't be defunct and outdated (a one time only vow or pledge). If a relationship is to have a chance, provide space and rituals for recommitment -- renewing promises, pledges, vows, goals, expectations etc. as individuals, and as partners or lovers.

4. Commitment should not be a one-person project. You have to work together at it.

By Yangki Christine Akiteng

Relationship Problems - 10 Big Relationship Mistakes and What You Can Do About Them

Life is all about relationships - marriages, families, friends, jobs, teams, etc, are just a few of the relationships we may be a part of. All relationships are give-and-take; and, in all relationships, you reap what you sow. If you are experiencing relationship difficulties, honestly examine your relationships for the presence of any of the destructive behaviors listed below. Identifying and removing, or correcting, the hurtful behavior will open the door for relationship harmony in any type of relationship. Which of these things are you doing to wreck your relationship, or is someone you know doing to wreck their own relationship?

1. Abuse of any kind (mental, emotional, verbal, physical, etc...), including being mean-spirited, cruel, intimidating, or intentionally hurtful in any way is an obvious sign of serious problems. Love and forgiveness are essential; but this damaging and potentially dangerous behavior has to be immediately changed, or removed - an abusive relationship is not the kind of relationship anyone wants or needs.

2. Belittling, insulting, embarrassing, humiliating, or otherwise making someone feel small, weak, dumb, useless, or inferior in any way is another way to destroy your relationship - all at once, or over time. Unless you want to be in relationship with someone small, you should build-up the people you associate with; it gives you a better set of associations, if nothing else.

3. Cheating is an obvious threat to any romantic relationship; but unfaithfulness and disloyalty are deal-breakers in most types of relationships. There can be great rewards to practicing faithfulness in life.

4. Dishonesty, deceit, deception, lies, and treachery of any kind will ultimately unravel and cause bigger problems that the scheme was worth in the first place. Honesty, though sometimes painful, is the best policy.

5. Inflexibility, rigidity, unwillingness, and dogmatic positions keep people and relationships fixated, stagnant, and stuck in ruts. Change is constant; and it's crazy to think that you can be in a relationship without changing, and being changed by the relationship. The key is to choose the way you allow the changes to shape you by bending willfully and intentionally in the direction of your relationship - creating and shaping yourself, your life, and your relationship as you go.

6. Forgetting dates, anniversaries, favorites, etc, can be somewhat hurtful; but forgetting how and why you are in relationship can destroy it. Forgetting your priorities can cause you to let your relationships whither; and forgetting how you initiated, or won, that relationship can keep you from being able to rescue, salvage, repair, or reclaim it.

7. Inconsideration, selfishness, self-centeredness, etc, can be forgiven; but they can also end relationships. Most people get tired of selfish or manipulative behavior after awhile - like the story of the boy who cried wolf. After awhile, a lack of consideration of others will cause them to no longer consider you. Put energy and attention into others and they will put it into you.

8. Judgment, criticism, blame, or condemnation has no place in any happy life or relationship. The presence of any of these things indicates a relationship in trouble. Learn acceptance, allowance, and forgiveness if you want to save your relationship. Would you rather be right, or happy?

9. Disrespect, including rudeness, insults, and intrusive behaviors, is a good way to show someone that they need another partner. Respect your partner's opinions, beliefs, person, and property if you expect the same in return.

10. Ignorance, ignoring a person, not listening, paying attention to, noticing, learning, growing, or evolving, may not seem like a mistake; but it is. If something is not growing, it's dying; and, if you aren't learning about your partner, your relationship is dying. You know very little about a person when you first get into a relationship. Live, learn, and love.

By Pete Koerner