Relationship Problems - 10 Big Relationship Mistakes and What You Can Do About Them

Life is all about relationships - marriages, families, friends, jobs, teams, etc, are just a few of the relationships we may be a part of. All relationships are give-and-take; and, in all relationships, you reap what you sow. If you are experiencing relationship difficulties, honestly examine your relationships for the presence of any of the destructive behaviors listed below. Identifying and removing, or correcting, the hurtful behavior will open the door for relationship harmony in any type of relationship. Which of these things are you doing to wreck your relationship, or is someone you know doing to wreck their own relationship?

1. Abuse of any kind (mental, emotional, verbal, physical, etc...), including being mean-spirited, cruel, intimidating, or intentionally hurtful in any way is an obvious sign of serious problems. Love and forgiveness are essential; but this damaging and potentially dangerous behavior has to be immediately changed, or removed - an abusive relationship is not the kind of relationship anyone wants or needs.

2. Belittling, insulting, embarrassing, humiliating, or otherwise making someone feel small, weak, dumb, useless, or inferior in any way is another way to destroy your relationship - all at once, or over time. Unless you want to be in relationship with someone small, you should build-up the people you associate with; it gives you a better set of associations, if nothing else.

3. Cheating is an obvious threat to any romantic relationship; but unfaithfulness and disloyalty are deal-breakers in most types of relationships. There can be great rewards to practicing faithfulness in life.

4. Dishonesty, deceit, deception, lies, and treachery of any kind will ultimately unravel and cause bigger problems that the scheme was worth in the first place. Honesty, though sometimes painful, is the best policy.

5. Inflexibility, rigidity, unwillingness, and dogmatic positions keep people and relationships fixated, stagnant, and stuck in ruts. Change is constant; and it's crazy to think that you can be in a relationship without changing, and being changed by the relationship. The key is to choose the way you allow the changes to shape you by bending willfully and intentionally in the direction of your relationship - creating and shaping yourself, your life, and your relationship as you go.

6. Forgetting dates, anniversaries, favorites, etc, can be somewhat hurtful; but forgetting how and why you are in relationship can destroy it. Forgetting your priorities can cause you to let your relationships whither; and forgetting how you initiated, or won, that relationship can keep you from being able to rescue, salvage, repair, or reclaim it.

7. Inconsideration, selfishness, self-centeredness, etc, can be forgiven; but they can also end relationships. Most people get tired of selfish or manipulative behavior after awhile - like the story of the boy who cried wolf. After awhile, a lack of consideration of others will cause them to no longer consider you. Put energy and attention into others and they will put it into you.

8. Judgment, criticism, blame, or condemnation has no place in any happy life or relationship. The presence of any of these things indicates a relationship in trouble. Learn acceptance, allowance, and forgiveness if you want to save your relationship. Would you rather be right, or happy?

9. Disrespect, including rudeness, insults, and intrusive behaviors, is a good way to show someone that they need another partner. Respect your partner's opinions, beliefs, person, and property if you expect the same in return.

10. Ignorance, ignoring a person, not listening, paying attention to, noticing, learning, growing, or evolving, may not seem like a mistake; but it is. If something is not growing, it's dying; and, if you aren't learning about your partner, your relationship is dying. You know very little about a person when you first get into a relationship. Live, learn, and love.

By Pete Koerner

Are Your Friends Hurting Your Relationship?

You exist within a web of relationships. For instance, if your friend is going through tough times, you may find yourself feeling an emotional heaviness throughout the day, thinking and worrying about your friend. As this colors your mood, your partner may start to notice that lately you've been preoccupied and down. Since emotions are contagious, this will impact your partner in some way and her/his interactions with others may now be different as a result of what your friend shared with you.

How is this relevant to your marriage or relationship?

Your relationship exists within a larger social context, and your friends, coworkers, family, and even the society in which you live can directly or indirectly impact your relationship. Think of your relationship as one link on a never-ending chain of connectedness.

This was evident with two couples I recently coached:

A brief story of relationship isolation:

Tad and Wanda have lived together for a little over a year and during a recent coaching session, Wanda complained that "all of our friends seem to be getting divorced or breaking up. It's depressing and makes me think there's something wrong with me for trying to make my relationship work. When I try to talk to my friends about a fight I had with Tad, they just tell me to 'find someone better-suited to you,' or 'relationships are overrated anyway.' The whole 'there are lots of fish in the sea' mindset isn't helpful when I'm trying to make my relationship work now."

Tad and Wanda lack the couple-to-couple support that is vital for a sustainable, long-term relationship. They both struggle with feeling like the "oddball couple" in a sea of failed relationships (and they don't have any single friends who are pro-relationship)-and both acknowledged that this was starting to negatively impact their union.

A brief story of marital support:

Molly and Jeff have been together for eleven years. Both are retired and have been active participants in their local community and volunteer for numerous causes. This involvement has offered them opportunities to develop friendships and socialize with other couples.

Molly joked that their friends "saved our marriage on at least two occasions" because of the support they offered Molly. She shared, "If Jeff and I are going through a difficult time, for whatever reason, I don't feel alone. I have at least two other women I can talk to who have been through difficult times but they're still happily married...I know I'm not alone in my struggles and that makes a world of difference. And I have a few single friends who are supportive of my relationship and committed relationships in general, even though they're not in one now. All that encouragement among my friends really helps whenever I start to worry that the challenges of a romantic relationship might be too much for me."

The need for relationship support

Couples love to hear about other couples who have successful relationships. Have you ever noticed how people in relationships are happy to learn that a famous couple is in it for the long haul? Many couples feel validated to discover that their favorite movie star or musician has resisted the temptations that come with fame and are committed to one person. Notice your reaction the next time you hear that people you know and/or admire are splitting up.

Couples root for other couples-there is an unspoken, cosmic connection, a sense that we're in this together. If Brad and Angelina can make their relationship work, and your neighbors and friends can make their relationships work, you end up feeling more hopeful that you can make your own work.

Seek Out Relationship Support

Relationship support comes in many forms and the first step is to look in your own backyard. Make a list of all the individuals and couples you know and admire: family, friends, teachers, community leaders, local organizations or church members.

You might be surprised to learn that there are people in your life that have been married or together for a long time (and feel lucky to be with the same person). These couples can be an emotional resource for you and your partner. Would you consider asking them about their relationship, especially what has worked for them? Are you willing to seek their support when you (or your partner) need advice or guidance?

We all need relationship mentors-couples who have successfully navigated the complicated interpersonal terrain that comes with committed relationships. This doesn't mean you should overlook friends not currently in relationships as potential sources of support. Often single friends who understand and celebrate you and your relationship can be a safe place to go to when you need a different perspective or just need to vent.

Don't overlook the vast relationship wisdom that surrounds you.

Many couples like spending time with other couples. If most of your friends seem to be in dire relationship straits or your friends' values regarding commitment differ from your own, you need to expand your social network-seek out couples you and your partner can socialize with, couples dedicated to making their own relationships work. The goal of expanding your couples-support-system doesn't mean you have to abandon your current friends because they aren't in a relationship or their relationship is in trouble-it means that you enrich your circle of friends to include those that believe in the benefit of a long-term, committed relationship and will help support you in yours.

It might seem like a paradox that you can be with someone you deeply love, yet still feel isolated. Often couples assume feeling isolated means there is something wrong with their relationship-while this can be an indication that there are problems that need to be addressed, it can also be an indication that your relationship is surrounded by negativity and a lack of support.

No matter how strong your relationship might seem, you and your partner do not exist in a vacuum. When you establish the goal of building a support network for your relationship, you have taken an important step in buffering the damaging effects of relationship-isolation. By Richard Nicastro

Relationship Rut - New Life For Old Routines

There aren't too many things better than a peaceful sleep, right? You're comfortable, you're safe, you're getting important needs met. But what happens when you're sleeping so soundly that you inadvertently crush an arm for a while? The crimp in your circulation jolts you into wakefulness with the sensation of thousands of tiny needles. You've hit an overnight rut. Before you can enjoy slumber again, you have to massage life into the limb that was stifled by smothering stillness.

There's not much better than a happy relationship, right? You feel comfortable and safe with each other, you're getting important needs met. You have relied-upon routines that give structure and personality to the life you've created together. But what happens when, over time and initially without you even noticing it, some of your dual routines feel lifeless and still? What if they start to cut off the circulation to the rest of your relationship? What if, like that errant limb, part of your relationship has fallen asleep? You've hit a relationship rut. Getting over it might take a little more ingenuity and focus than rubbing a tingly arm or shaking pins and needles out of a leg, but it's well worth it for the longevity of your union.

Undoubtedly, sleep is a good thing for your body. Even when you crush a limb because you're in such a deep sleep, it's still a good thing and you don't decide to swear off sleep because that might happen again.

Likewise, relationship routines are good things. And rituals, as one facet of relationships, create a rhythm and predictability that allow for a sense of security. You don't abandon rituals and resign yourself to an ever-shifting landscape of chaos because you found yourself in a rut.

Relationship Ruts

We all fall into relationship ruts. This doesn't indicate anything about your relationship other than it is normal. It's how you handle the ruts that might be a predictor of your relationship future. Do you shrug them off and accept boredom as the status quo? Or do you decide to bring back that mutual vitality you once thrived on?

A relationship rut occurs because one of your relationship routines is starting to squeeze the life-blood out of your marriage or relationship. It may be that a particular routine only affects a small portion of your relationship. But, like that newly numb arm, it may be all you notice for a while. You need to wake up that part of your relationship that has grown lifeless. If ignored for too long, the boredom and numbness is likely to spread to other parts of your relationship.

Is it really a rut?

The first step in shaking life back into your relationship is to locate ruts in your relationship. Just as feeling sad once in a while doesn't mean you suffer from depression, being bored with your partner or with the things you do with your partner doesn't mean you're stuck in a rut with him/her. Boredom is something we all feel from time to time, and fleeting boredom with aspects of your relationship doesn't signal a rut. Further, all relationships go through low points, especially if you and your partner are dealing with a great deal of stress.

A true rut usually grows slowly and will be experienced over an extended period of time. If you and your partner feel like you've had a boring few days, that doesn't mean you're in a rut. But if you've been bored silly each weekend for the last six months (and if you're starting to dread time off from work), it is likely that your weekend routines have created a relationship rut.

Climb out of the rut

As long as you're willing to find time, energy and creativity, relationship ruts are generally easy to fix.

With your partner, make a list of all the relationship routines that give both of you comfort and create a sense of safety. This list might include: eating dinner together each evening, going to the gym, renting movies every Sunday, visiting extended family...and so on. Discuss why these routines are special. What about them makes you feel safe and secure with your partner?

Then make a list of all the routines that you and your partner have grown tired of. These are the routines that are causing part of your relationship to fall asleep. When you identify routines that you both agree can and should be eliminated from your lives, do so. Unfortunately, some of the routines you identify as problematic might be necessary or fall under the category of "life maintenance tasks." In that case, brainstorm ways in which you might make small changes to make them feel different on some level.

Remember: even small actual changes can make a big perceived difference.

For example, you and your husband visit your husband's mother every Saturday. You don't feel very close to his mother (she doesn't seem to be fond of you), but, rather than insist your husband make these trips alone, you've accompanied him. However, these visits are contributing to what you've identified as a relationship rut. They mean too much to him to give up, though. Try shortening the visits by a half hour and institute a post-visit, playful, mutually satisfying routine. Perhaps there's a restaurant or museum or miniature golf course on the way back that you both agree to try. And then the focus of the day isn't just on your mother-in-law, but the time that you and your husband spend together in a shared activity.

By Richard Nicastro

I Don't Love My Partner! Keys to Creating the Relationship of Your Dreams

The first step in creating the relationship of your dreams with your loved one is believing it is possible. Fifteen years ago when I met my partner - this is all I had i.e. an idealistic belief that there must be a way for our relationship to get better and better everyday. Miraculously, after 15 years of ups and downs (and much soul searching), our relationship is consistently beyond my wildest dreams. Below I'll share with you the simple yet powerful tools and perspectives that I have used to help myself and others transform the quality of their relationships.

Stop trying to change or blame your partner.

The key to taking your relationship with your partner to a 10 out of 10 and beyond is accepting that the quality of your relationship has nothing to do with your partner or how much you "love each other". The quality of your relationship is reliant on 3 sets of beliefs.
These are:
1) Your beliefs about your partner.
2) Your beliefs about yourself in relationship with your partner
3) Your beliefs about the relationship" itself.
Once we realise it's our beliefs not our partner that needs to change - our journey becomes far simpler more fruitful.

What are beliefs and how they determine the quality of your relationship.

Beliefs are feelings/thoughts/assumptions about the world that we embody. The reason beliefs have such a powerful effect on our relationships (and our whole life experience) is they determine the way we think, feel and respond to any situation. As a result we then attract people and experiences which verify and strengthen our beliefs. This process is quite wonderful and miraculous provided we are aware that this is what is happening.

One of the most powerful aspects of beliefs is how they effect our emotions in our relationship. Let's say for example a woman has a belief that she is not lovable or attractive. Their partner comes home from work exhausted and distracted and flops on the couch without hugging her or showing any affection. Because deep down she has this fear of being unlovable she reacts by immediately feeling unappreciated and hurt. To protect herself from this pain she withdraws from her partner further or makes some hurtful comment to "pay him back" for the hurt that he has just seemingly inflicted...on so a downward spiral begins.

If we take a step back from this scenario for a moment we can see that this woman's painful emotions had nothing to do with her partner's behaviour. They had to do with the interpretation of her partner's behaviour which in turn was based on her belief about herself being unlovable and attractive.

Now imagine if this woman was 100% convinced that she was a gorgeous, attractive goddess. If her partner came home distracted and flopped on the couch how would she interpret this differently? I'm guessing that she would simply see that her partner was tired and distracted - as result she might simply remind him he forgot to hug and adore his gorgeous attractive wife, or maybe she would simply sidle up lovingly beside him and ask him how his day was.

In my own relationship I used to have a belief that I was not worthy of respect. This meant every time my wife forgot something I requested - like putting the lid on the compost bin - I withdrew and fumed until finally I blurted out her heinous crime angrily!! All the anger I created had nothing to do with her forgetting my request, it had to do with me believing I wasn't worthy of respect and consequently interpreting her behaviour as a sign of "disrespect". Once I let go of this belief, my loved one's forgetfulness became a "non-issue", and consequently she began to remember more!

How to begin taking your relationship to a 10 out of 10:

Step 1. Once a week name and replace any limiting beliefs about yourself, your partner and your relationship. Grab a piece of paper and pen:

a) Write down any limiting beliefs about yourself with respect to your relationship e.g. Begin each sentence with I am .... And see what comes out e.g. I'm unlovable, unworthy, guilty, I've done something wrong etc. The key is to not think about or judge what you are writing, just let it flow.

b) Once you've written them down, smile at your beliefs and ask whether they serve you or not. If not take a moment to breathe and let them go until the belief no longer feels true at all.

c) Once you've let go of your belief make a decision to replace it with another which empowers you and supports you realizing the relationship of your dreams. E.g. My partner is exceptionally caring, considerate and supportive.

d) Take a moment to raise your level of conviction in your new beliefs until they feel true. Remember we need to embody our new beliefs not just "think about them."

e) Now follow the same process for replacing your limiting beliefs about your partner and your relationship e.g. My partner is....; My relationship is....

When my clients initially go through this process they have difficulty in letting go beliefs which they feel are "factual" e.g. my partner is lazy and unhelpful. They are thinking of all the unhelpful, lazy evidence they've accumulated over the years. By choosing to let go of this belief you are also choosing to let go of focusing on the old evidence and instead focusing on all the wonderful, helpful things they have done.

Another block some people experience in the above process is thinking that they can't simply let go of their beliefs and replace them with another. This is just another limiting belief which you can let go of if you choose.

Step 2. Accept that regardless of what mistakes you or your partner makes you are both only ever worthy of love and respect.

Make a decision to love your partner unconditionally and request that they do the same. This means agreeing with one another regardless of what mistakes either of you make and how drastic, silly, unnecessary and selfish they are, that you will both always treat one another with love and respect. Agree to remind each other of this and apologise when one of you forgets.

Step 3. Celebrate every time you feel unhappy in your relationship as an opportunity to name and replace limiting beliefs.

Often when we experience unpleasantness in our relationships we immediately start worrying, judging or blaming. Instead try the following. When something goes "wrong" in your relationship - celebrate it as an opportunity to name and replace your limiting beliefs. The most enlightening questions to ask in any situation that is undesirable is "what belief is supporting this thought, emotion, or experience. Write it down and go through the process in Step 1. This is especially true of our emotions. Whenever you feel sad, hurt, rejected, betrayed etc. instead of blaming your partner simply find a quiet space and ask what belief is supporting this emotion and let it go. So much confusion and stress is caused in our relationships by trying to keep our partner happy or trying to blame them for our unhappiness. When we let go of this absurdity our relationship and life becomes much simpler

Step 4. Practice falling in love on a daily basis.

Over time many couples think they "know" their partner. As soon as we think we know our partner romance dies. In reality our partner, ourselves and our relationship are way beyond "understanding". Every day you, your partner and your relationship is evolving in mysterious ways. Embracing this mystery keeps the relationship truly alive. It also means you need to continually take your partner on "dates", setting up intimate moments so that you can continue to get to know this amazing person.

Another way to continually fall in love on a daily basis is finding out how your partner loves to be loved and acting on this. Likewise share with your partner how you love to be loved. Often times, we end up expressing our love to our partner in the way we want to be loved and vice-versa which does not serve us well as neither partner ends up truly satisfied.

By Dixon R Hammer

Relationship Satisfaction Secrets - Emotion Or Devotion?

Relationships tend to be dominated by emotionality or mutual devotion. One leads to problems and the other success.

Emotional Relationships

Examples of relationships characterized by emotion would include those where there is a great deal of conflict, an anger problem or a histrionic personality. These relationships tend to be controlled by emotion, and swing from one mood to another quite quickly, depending on changing circumstances and the emotions being expressed -- emotions which tend to disfigure communication and cloud the relationship.

Devoted Relationships

In contrast, a relationship whose partners have a high degree of devotion tends to be more level and consistent. Both partners put the relationship first and are committed to each other, and know how to weather the storms calmly. Their emotions do not overpower or tilt the relationship off balance.

And their communication style reflects their devoted love for each other -- a secret of a great relationship.

Devoted partners give freely of their time, attention and the self.

When great, abiding devotion is present in a relationship, although the relationship may be imperfect, as they all are, problems and upheavals tend not to knock the relationship into crisis. Plus, devotion tends to create a rock-hard foundation that confers countless benefits.

Which kind of relationship do you have, an emotion-laden or devoted relationship?

Tips For Increasing Devotion

In some relationships one partner is deeply devoted but the other isn't. These can be challenging relationships in which the devoted partner may feel a sense of constant frustration. Things improve only when the less devoted partner becomes more committed to the relationship.

In other relationships, there may be a low sense of devotion on the part of both spouses. In either case, the sense of devotion can be enhanced.

Enhancing Devotion

1. Increase intimacy and friendship. One way is to start having more fun together and enjoying each other's company, rather than finding stimulation outside the relationship.

2. Design the relationship so it is more interesting and attractive to both parties. It may be time to do something different together.

3. Talk about the relationship and identify areas for growth and development. If an imbalance in devotion or commitment is an issue for one spouse, that spouse can bring it up for discussion and make the other aware of it. He or she should communicate his or her feelings in a caring way.

4. Set goals and make plans to enhance the relationship based on your relationship's potential . . . begin thinking about what can be, rather than what is. Imagine. Envision!

5. Make more time for relaxing, recreating and beating stress together . . . make sure the relationship is not all work and no play. And avoid allowing your play to become work.

6. Both partners should responsible for the relationship, and each should work to improve the quality of the relationship. Devotion follows effort.

And remember this little maxim, "One partner should not carry most of the load . . . or there will be problems down the road."

Resentment has an adverse impact upon devotion!

7. Renew your marriage vows to create an enlivened sense of devotion and rekindle passion.

Remember to get control of your emotions, too. An emotional relationship will be high maintenance.

If you work on improving your relationship by instilling greater devotion, your relationship will become stronger and more resilient . . . and, soon, your relationship will give you greater happiness and satisfaction!

Devotion is a reflection of the quality of the love that fuels the relationship. When your love grows, you will automatically find the level of devotion growing, too. Devotion is a beautiful quality that warms the heart, and fills the soul with gladness.

By Richard Hamon

Free Love Relationship Advice - Top 3 List

It is virtually inevitable that any relationship will hit a "rocky" spot. The spot where you are either stuck--not moving forward, but not moving backward; or a rocky spot where your relationship can be in trouble. Are you looking for some free love relationship advice on how to save your relationship? Or, has your relationship already ended and you want to get your partner back?

Before we begin with your free love relationship advice, let's get one relationship myth cleared up. It is not true that it "takes two people to improve a relationship." True, it does take two people to get into a relationship, but one person can ruin or improve a relationship by themselves. And, remember, it does no one any good to play the blame game-who did what and so forth. When you hit the rocky spot, or your relationship is over, but your want your ex back or whatever the situation may be, look towards the future-do not look back in the past. The past needs to be kept exactly there-the past. The future is what we have to look forward to. Instead of trying to figure out who did what when that made the relationship bad, focus on what your want out of your relationship in the future and make that something to work towards.

Now, with your free love relationship advice:

Communication with each other is key to any relationship. I am not talking about a "Hey, how was your day?" "Good" when you walk in the door and go about your life. I am talking about actually communicating and talking with your partner longer than 5 minutes. When you and your partner have good communication, you are better able to know what your partner wants and they can have a better idea of what you want.

Respect and Appreciation for your partner is so important. If your partner does not feel like they are respected or appreciated for what they do, they will close up and sooner or later, find it elsewhere. A simple "thank you" for whatever they might have done is a huge affirmation for them that they are appreciated.

By Lesli Levanger

3 Critical Parts For Good Relationship Advice

Relationship advice is something everyone will need at some point in their lives. There's a lot of advice out there, but not all of it is good. It can be very difficult to know who to trust. Not every relationship we are in will make it, some things just aren't meant to be. But there are ways to take a good relationship and make it great. And there are ways to save a failing relationship by heeding some good relationship advice.

A piece of relationship advice I have found useful is that you need to have a vision of what you expect your relationship to be like. Did you know that many people spend more time planning their vacation than they spend thinking about relationships? Just stumbling through relationships trying to make it up as they go along may be one reason so many relationships fail. Try to spend some time thinking about these questions:

1. Do you currently have a 'vision' of what you want in a relationship?
2. If you could have a relationship set up any way you wanted to, what would it be like?
3. If you knew you absolutely couldn't fail, what would your ideal relationship be like?

If you are already in a relationship, you may be having some problems and you might be looking for some useful relationship advice. Sometimes it's hard to spot relationship problems until they have reached a critical stage. Now you will have to scramble to try to save the relationship from breaking up. Maybe the best relationship advice to heed would be to keep the relationship problems from becoming major issues.

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship where there are no disagreements and conflicts. Everyone has their own set of needs and personality quirks, so there is bound to be conflict. The important thing is to communicate with each other. Good communication will foster healthier relationships that will last long term. Another key piece of relationship advice is to learn to forgive. Your partner is going to make mistakes and so are you. When you forgive your mate you have taken a huge step forward. After all, you may be the one who needs forgiveness next time, so forgive them the way you would want them to forgive you.

Sometimes it might be hard to see the point of getting relationship advice. Other people will have an outsider's point of view on the relationship and the issues at hand. If you know someone who has a good relationship, they may be a good source of relationship advice. At least that way you will know the quality of the advice you are getting. By Connitta Bowers

How to Save a Failing Relationship

Relationship is always a complex area to deal with and there is no definite answer or ways to save a failing relationship. Even if your situation seems hopeless and impossible, you may still stand a chance to restore your relationship if you are willing to do something about it.

Below are some of the useful tips to help save your failing relationship:

i) Identify the root cause of your failing relationship - before anything can be done about your relationship, you must find out what are the underlying reasons that cause your relationship with your lover can get to this stage. It is particularly important to ask yourself and your partner why this relationship is not working? It is also imperative to get objective answers to this question.

ii) Admit your difficulty with your relationship and be willing to change - your willingness to change and to accept the fact that you are having difficulty with your relationship could be one of the important factors to save your failing relationship. A lot of failing relationship happens is because of either you or your lover is reluctant to admit the difficulty of the relationship and therefore reluctant to sit down for open discussion.

iii) Communication - communication break down and lack of understanding could be the main reason that why a relationship is failing. If both of you are still in love, it is important that you and your lover should sit down together and just talk to each other. Find a quiet place, maybe a quiet restaurant to have a open discussion about your current situation. Be positive about your relationship and so long as you don't give up, you still stand a chance to save your failing relationship.

By Gary Goh

Answers to the Most Common Relationship Questions

QUESTION:

What to do if one person in the marriage grows spiritually and the other stays the same and refuses to acknowledge the other person’s beliefs as right for them? My husband thinks that my study of metaphysics is just temporary and that I will come back to his religion. I don’t know how to handle this, but the issue involves every aspect of our relationship. I don’t feel connected in any sense except by our two small children, aged 4 and 2.

ANSWER:

It is vital that you continue to follow your truth with respect to your spiritual growth. No one has the right to judge, criticize, or coerce you to follow his religious or spiritual preferences. This is not up for debate. You do not have to convince your husband or seek approval from him or from anyone else regarding your personal truth, spiritual values, or beliefs. Quite frankly, it is no one’s business but your own.
So I would advise you to ask yourself why you are staying in a relationship when the only connection you feel is through your children. If you feel the relationship is not satisfying and if you feel that your personal and spiritual growth are not being honored, it is perfectly okay to remove yourself from criticism, misery, and condemnation from the man you are sharing your (unhappy) life with.

Alternatively, you can stand in your truth and state that your spiritual growth will never be judged or dictated to by any other human being, and ask your husband to accept you for who you are, despite his differing views. Ask him if he would like it if you tried to dictate his religious preferences. You can ask him to honor who you are, and if he refuses to do so, then you do have the option to end the relationship that is more hurtful than supportive. You deserve respect on all levels. Please remember that.

QUESTION:

After 28 years in a dysfunctional marriage, I finally divorced my husband. That was 14 months ago. Now we are both changing and are back together, realizing that we both needed to change to become healthier people. With God’s blessings, hopefully, do you think we can become what we both need for ourselves and for one another?

ANSWER:

Absolutely! This is actually fantastic to hear. When two people love each other and realize that they both need to take personal responsibility to heal and evolve on all levels of personal growth, when each partner is committed to his own personal growth and supportive of his partner’s process, this is a gift.

Our greatest growth in relationships comes from being in relationships, not in isolation. Always share honestly. Always be true to self and have the courage to be real with your partner. You can never go wrong.

QUESTION:

How can you use your intuition to figure out where you should move to, to meet your partner, if you are currently single? I am going to move from the town I’ve been living in for 25 years and want to know how I can figure out where I should move to.

ANSWER:

Dear One, when you move to another town because you want to live there, to enhance your own life, and for no other reason, you will attract someone who is living his or her truth as well, rather than searching for a partner. The key here is in attracting by living your life for you rather than searching to fill a void. You will find that when you least expect it, someone who mirrors where you are within yourself will pop right into your life. So thrive and create the best life you can. Passionately fill your days and nights with all you love to do, and you will attract someone who is living his or her life that way, someone who will mirror you.

QUESTION:

How will I know when I am truly ready to be in a relationship, after not being in one for over eight years? I quit trying after my last relationship turned out to be just like my ex-husband, who was an alcoholic, used cocaine, and went into violent rages. I was severely abused by my natural father, sexually, emotionally, and physically . . . then sexually molested by my brother, brother-in-law, and stepfather (who also beat us). I know from counseling that my relationships with men were my way of trying to “fix” my father/male role models. I think I’m not ready to be in a relationship yet because I feel that I have nothing to offer. I am 200 lbs. overweight and have no teeth. I am also in severe pain most of the time because of fibromyalgia and lower back pain from a fall several years ago. To lose weight I need to exercise, but I am in so much pain that it’s almost impossible. I sometimes feel overwhelmed by all of this and discouraged, but I keep going. I am also an insomniac, and when I do happen to fall asleep, I usually have horrific nightmares. I am telling you all of this not for you to do something about it but so that you will understand my original question about relationships. What is a normal relationship, and how do I know it’s love?

ANSWER:

First, know with absolute certainty that you do have a lot to offer, even just by sharing authentically. It took a lot of courage for you to open up, and so many people can relate to you. Many others have asked for similar answers, so I thank you for your question.

Now, it is time you forced yourself to discover every wonderful quality you have from the inside out. Your worth is not determined by your weight or your teeth. All of this can be adjusted. You can get a dental bridge and have teeth. Some people are overweight due to thyroid problems, and they are just as worthy as people who are stick thin. This is a time to love yourself by discovering what you truly love, what you really want to express from within concerning your life purpose. These discoveries will help you to heal your self-degrading feelings. Take heart. I used to be the world’s biggest doormat. I had an unhappy childhood, failed relationships, and very low self-esteem. I had to discover my passion, find my value from the inside out, and express it as my joy-filled work each day in order to feel my value as an equal member of the human race.

Nobody is better than you. Nobody is less than you. A normal relationship is one in which you can value yourself and the other person equally. In a normal relationship, you are treated beautifully, and you treat the other person beautifully. A normal relationship has one prerequisite: you must really love yourself. Plenty of people who write to me and many people I know look like models, and they still feel unworthy. I used to be one of them, too.

Ask yourself this: If you had ten million dollars in the bank and could do something for the rest of your life that would fill you with great joy, what would that be? What would bring you so much joy that you would do it for free? Search within for the answer. It will lead you to discover your life purpose. Who are the people you admire and connect with from your heart? What are they doing with their lives? That is a good indicator of a natural direction for you, a natural purpose for your life. Moreover, perhaps you suffered the experiences you have been through so that you could reach out and help others overcome their abuse and pain. Usually, our greatest challenges lead to our greatest life purpose fulfilled.

You do have a special purpose. And you are a special human being. Look into your heart to discover what really matters to you. Then bring it out into your life as your work. Being an example stems from your heart, not from your looks. You will attract a wonderful man into your life once you discover and believe that you are wonderful.

QUESTION:

Is unconditional love possible between two persons in a relationship?

ANSWER:

Yes, as long as they both love themselves unconditionally, without self-judgment, self-criticism, or self-abuse of any kind. You can only give what you have on the inside.

QUESTION:

How can I help myself to recognize the “one” that I am supposed to spend my life with?

ANSWER:

When you can be your authentic self in every way with that person, when you treat each other equally and beautifully, love each other’s company, communicate openly and honestly, share similar values, respect each other on all levels without ever compromising your truths, and have wonderful chemistry and passion in bed, then you will recognize that you have found “the one” for you.

QUESTION:

Is there a soul mate for each person?

ANSWER:

Yes, but not every person meets a soul mate in this lifetime. Many people have soul agreements to work out karma from previous lives together or to support each other in this life. We also may experience a soul level recognition with many people in our lives, such as with our best friends or relatives.

A soul mate relationship is not always a bed of roses. It can be one of the most growth-filled and transformative relationships we ever have; and it may or may not last for the remainder of this life, although it serves a deeply important purpose for individual growth.

If you want to attract a wonderful match or spiritual partner, grow to love yourself deeply with genuine appreciation for the person you are. Shine and express all that you came into this life to be and express. You will certainly and naturally attract a wonderful counterpart who will mirror your highest level of growth, and you can share an astounding relationship with that person as your equal on all levels.

There is no “perfect” person. Thinking of a soul mate as such is a myth. But you can attract an incredible person into your life once you become the incredible person you came into this life to be and express on all levels.

QUESTION:

Why must we be prepared to accept that some wonderful relationships, even of soul mates, are destined to end? Phrased differently, how can we know if a sacred contract is going to result in a relationship ending? How can we carry love forward from that point?

ANSWER:

We cannot hold on to another person for dear life. We never know if suddenly a person is going to be out of our lives. The most important thing is to be and share your greatest self with the one you love, and create the most joy-filled life possible each moment you are fortunate to experience love with another. Life is filled with constant change. Love with all of your heart, share all of who you are, do your best, be your best, express your truth, and always allow the other person the same freedom of being and expression. There are no guarantees in life, but loving fully and purely is one of the most rewarding experiences of life on earth.

QUESTION:

How will I ever feel that I can trust enough and become vulnerable enough to be emotionally intimate with someone without giving away my power?

ANSWER:

The only way you can ever trust another is to first trust yourself, your feelings, your instincts—and listen to them. Then a person can earn your trust over time and through many small experiences. Notice what you instinctively pick up on. Watch to see if the person’s words and actions match.
Don’t just give all of your trust to others without getting to know them over time.

When people show you that they can be counted on by following through on what they say and by sharing themselves, you can slowly open up and share yourself. You can share your truth and be emotionally intimate by standing in your truth, regardless of what they do or say.

Never back out of what is true for you to please another person—that is giving away your power.

QUESTION:

How do you change someone’s belief system?

ANSWER:

You don’t. Ever.

Would you like it if someone tried to change your belief system?

You must respect all human beings enough to allow them to be who they are, even if you have different preferences or beliefs. You are not on this earth to change your belief system to please any other person. Therefore, no other person is on this earth to change his or her belief system to please you.

QUESTION:

Sometimes you can be in a dating relationship and it can be great, and then you get a vibe that the partner is not 100 percent there, as they once were. Immediately, women in general start to analyze: “Why didn’t he call me? He always calls me at this time. What does that mean?” Then women start to doubt themselves, overanalyze, and wind up making it worse. Women then say: “Well, if he’s not calling me, I’m not going to call him.” And they start giving out weird vibes and all turns to dust.

When you are feeling doubt in a relationship that once was strong, what do you do? How do you address it?

ANSWER:

The best thing to do is to get super absorbed in your life, your purpose, and allow the other person his or her space.
Then, when you do speak, you can make plans to laugh and have a blast for the next time you get together.

If you are secure within yourself and truly absorbed in your life purpose, you may notice that you don’t always have the chance to make a call at the exact same moment every day. But if your world is revolving around the other person’s phone call, then of course you’re going to feel insecure, because you are more focused on the other person than on yourself.

Sometimes people need some breathing room, time to call their own. Maybe they just want to rest or are on the phone with a friend or are watching a movie and don’t realize what time it is. Or maybe they are losing interest. Either way, the more centered you are within your own life and the more centered you feel within self, the less this is going to disturb you. When you do see each other, laugh! Create a great time. Create a wonderful memory. Share what is going on in your life, and show interest in what is going on in their life.

When you have a great deal of self-worth, your life will never hinge on another person. Never make the other your oxygen tube for a happy existence. Make your life purpose and sharing your life with the other a joy rather than an obligation.

When you are together, if the other person is acting distant or different, you can say something like: “I want you to know that I care if there is anything bothering you. And if there’s something bothering you with respect to me, I want you to feel safe that you can let me know, no matter what it is, and we can address it honestly with each other.”

This lets the person know that you are strong enough and open enough to listen, even if it might be to something you may not want to hear. If they think you’re going to crumble, and they are your world, chances are that they will avoid telling you something that they think might crush you. If you let them know that they can talk honestly, and it’s all okay, chances are greater that they will share anything that may be bothering them with respect to you. More than anything, be their genuine friend, at all stages of a relationship. Then you can each share authentically, with full respect for each other’s feelings, and you can clear the air at any time, honestly.

QUESTION:

How do you determine early in a relationship if there is a great chance for success? The reason for my question is this: I have been in a relationship for close to six years, and my significant other decided to break things off. She says it’s because she has a fear of commitment. How could I have seen or known this earlier?

ANSWER:

The truth is that we do not know if a relationship is going to last forever. If a person has commitment issues and shows that right from the start, then there is nothing you can do or say to change the other person. Trust me on this. I tried it for four years in String Along Valley. Moreover, if you were with a person and decided that you did not want to continue the relationship or share the rest of your life with her, you would have every right to follow your truth. She simply did what she wanted to do, and by doing so she opened the door for you to attract someone into your life who is looking for all you are.
It’s usually a gift when people leave our lives. I learned a saying: “When the universe says no, that means there is a better yes for us on the way!

Next time, you will be able to look over the string along warning signs, and that will help you notice a lot more in the beginning of a relationship that you may not have been aware of previously.

In any relationship, you can only live in the moment. It is in the moment that you can share and express any concerns that you have. Open and honest communication is the absolute key to a successful relationship. That is the way for you to know and see it all truthfully, so that you will know what to do each moment of your life. By Barbara Rose, Ph.D.

How to Get Your Boyfriend Back in Three Simple Steps

Are you currently suffering from a breakup and now want to get your boyfriend back? Are you feeling that things were going good and that there is still a chance for the relationship? You came to the right place. There are tactics and steps you can take right now to repair the relationship. Of course, you do need to be careful. There are some mistakes, as well, that girls often make that could delay or stop you from getting back together. Follows these steps and you will be well on your away to repairing your relationship.

Step One

The foundation to getting your ex boyfriend back is to stop feeling sorry for yourself. This may sound harsh, but that is not my intention at all. You see, we all do it. You just need to stop yourself from doing excessively. Don't let it get out of control. Feeling sorry for yourself will be your biggest barrier to getting your ex back. I write about how to get your mind off the breakup in another article on my site.

Step Two

Resignation will be the key to your success at getting your ex boyfriend back. You need to be resigned to the way things are right now. If you are not resigned and find it hard to accept where things are now, then this may be the first thing you want to address. The article I mentioned at my site can help with this. Not being resigned can lead you to make desperate attempts to get your boyfriend back that will most likely fail.

Being resigned is essential for you to think with a clear head. Furthermore, someone who is resigned to what life brings him or her comes across to others as calm, cool and collected. This kind of person is the kind that people want to spend time with. Your boyfriend will want to spend time with you if you can accept the situation as it stands at this moment.

Step Three

Under no circumstances should you keep calling or visiting your ex boyfriend. You are compelled to do this right now because you are eager to get things back to the way they were. Smothering your boyfriend will most certainly backfire on you. This kind of behavior will only serve to push him away from you, not bring him closer. Guys feel very uncomfortable when girls, especially girls they just broke up with, become clingy. I'm a guy so I know. There is a special balance needed so that you maintain contact but without smothering .By Gordon Chase